Expert: Jacqui - 12/11/2011

Question
Hi there,

I read your profile and I think you'd be great for this question. I'm from Canada and as a  student nurse, I'm a big supporter of harm reduction because I think it makes so much sense.

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we've been through a lot. I stay with him because he's hardworking, lovable, smart and we share similar values. We never really argue, and when we do, we talk it out. He never raises his voice and has always been good to me, he makes me incredibly happy.

The only problem is that he smokes weed every day. It's an issue because I'm worried about what the smoke is doing to his lungs and that he's smoking to escape some deeper problem. I also don't care for the way it makes his room and belongings smell.

I wish he would stop but I know it isn't realistic. I just want to know how I should go about this. I don't plan on leaving him, but I do want to know how I can make the situation better. We had a talk about it the other day during which I voiced my opinion. He seemed to recognize that he could be self medicating, but showed no intention to stop. He actually got kind of sad that I criticized him, as I noticed he doesn't like it when I criticize him. He didn't get confrontational, just kind of sad looking.

How can I support him through this? is there a harm reduction strategy I can use to show him that I still love him despite disagreeing on this problem? Any help or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Answer
Dear Claire,

Firstly, apologies for my delayed response.  I am now living in Cambodia and access to internet is sometimes a little limited.  

I think it is great that you are showing a thoughtful approach to your boyfriend's drug use.  The premise of harm reduction is that it is a strategy to work with people who use drugs, without asking them to stop, and acknowledging that some people can't stop or won't stop for whatever reasons.

I imagine he would have got sad when you raised the issue, as drug users are really marginalised in our society, so they often feel really pressured when someone they love doesn't like what they are doing.  This is somewhat less so with cannabis, as it is so widely used, however it sounds like it did hit a raw nerve with him.

It is difficult to say "please don't do this any more" because if he doesn't want to stop, it will put pressure on the relationship.  However, just because he wants to continue, it does not mean that you have to be around it.  I would probably suggest that you say how you feel, without telling him what to do, or giving any ultimatums.  Then perhaps suggest that, because you don't like it, that perhaps you could put aside some time when he isn't smoking to do something.  Often people just get into a habit with drugs, especially something like cannabis that isn't particularly addictive.  Changing the habit offers someone alternatives.  Have you guys been out much?  Go out for dinner?  Going to see a movie?  Or whatever it is you like doing together.  Perhaps just making more of an effort in this regard would be helpful.

If he does want to stop, it may be difficult for him, and gradual change (whilst accepting that relapses are extremely likely) is probably the best option.  If he is having problems, for example increased anxiety when he doesn't smoke, some counselling may be helpful for him.

The main thing is not to judge him badly as a human being, which it sounds like you wouldn't do anyway.  Humans have used drugs for thousands of years, and probably will forever.  However, most people will stop or significantly slow down eventually, especially if it is affecting their relationships and if they actually want to stop for themselves, not for someone else.

I know I haven't directly answered your question, but I hope this has helped a bit!

Take it easy and please don't hesitate to contact me again if you want.

Jacqui