Expert: Caroline West - 12/7/2011

Question
Help - my son wants to move back home!
I will try to make this short, my son has had a drug addiction problem for many years off and on since he was about 14 yrs. old, he is now 27.  I admittedly have been an enabler.  He has been in and out of juvenile home, jail, prison, boot camp, and my home since he was 16.  This last year or so his drug of choice has been heroin.  He was released from jail in January 2011 and has been sober (supposedly) since.  Then I get a call on November 6th that he is in the hospital because of an overdose of heroin.  Totally blindsided!  He was unconscious, not breathing with blue lips when his girlfriend found him performed CPR and called 911.  He was revived with Narcan.  He told me it was a 1 time use and he doesn’t know why or remember anything.  What consequence does that show him to not do it again?  He can’t remember!  Well one consequence is that he has now been arrested for possession of a narcotic due to the overdose and is now in the county jail.  He talked to a jail liaison and he could be released if he had a proper home to go to.  Well, guess who he wants to come home to?  That’s right, ME.  I do not want him to come back to my home but I feel terrible guilt about this.  It hasn’t worked before and I have discussed this with him in the past.  He knows I basically want nothing to do with him while he is on drugs and he is not to call me if he ends up in jail…again!  I have tried love, tough love and everything in between.  I thought this last time he had hit rock bottom but I guess not.  This OD must certainly be rock bottom as it could have been the end!  I don’t want to be hurt by him anymore and have pulled away to try to be happy.  So my question is:  am I making the right decision?  If I refuse to let him come home will he hate me?  How can I stop from feeling guilty?  I can no longer enable him and I cannot stand watching him ruin his life any longer.  Sorry if I sound angry but I guess I am angry (at him) for putting me through this.  Please help.

Answer
Hello Nancy,

These are fair points that you have raised.

Is an OD rock bottom? even that, in my experience, is not enough to stop someone from ever using again. Whether he did only do it as a one time thing, who knows. It may have been; hence going over, or he could have still been actively using and came into possession of some higher grade heroin, I don't know; but I do know users and their behaviours but it is still hard to be 100% certain that he is telling the truth.

You are right to not want to be hurt anymore. It sounds as if you have done your upmost best to help in using various strategies that sadly has not work. So maybe by refusing this time to take him back this time, that will be another way of letting him know that you won't tolerate his actions anymore as all it will do is enable him further. Will he hate you? he will more likely be angry and sulky and be initially hateful, but you are his mum which means he will always love you.

You may feel guilty because he is your son and you want the best for him and as he loves you, you too love him, so an amount of guilt is expected as you are human Nancy. But I feel you should be firm as you have done as much as you can for him and all that's happened is he has time and time again hurt you. And you are entitled to be happy and to live your own life. He is 27 and is a grown man, if he were 17 it would be different, but he is an adult now and needs to start taking responsibility for himself, his actions and choices in his life. And if you let him back once again, then it will be enabling him and prevent him from growing up further so that's the way you have got to look at it.

Users, believe it or not, are very resourceful, so he will do his time, be annoyed with you for a bit but it may be the short,sharp shock he needs to sort himself out knowing that he cannot go returning to mum again every time he gets into trouble. You could actually, in the long run, be doing him a favour.

A Father that has written into me several times was in a similar situation where he kept letting his son back home. I said to him that it probably won't work, then eventually he had taken too much and told his son to leave and his son eventually came good. This may or may not happen for you as well but I really think it is worth saying no to him and see if that is what will help him. So as this father stopped enabling his son any longer it turned out well and he felt a little guilty as he is his parent and so it's very natural, but by not letting his son back, it worked out extremely well His son had to stand on his own two feet, got a job, became clean and still is to this day all because his dad told him he no longer wants him in the house.  

You deserve to be happy, you have endured this for 13 years so there is no need to feel guilty, so maybe it's time that you as his mum put your foot down and say "no more" and let him know that it's time for him to grow up. Let him feel angry, that's his feelings, but you need to say no this time.

Nancy I hope that this has helped, this might be the best thing to happen for the pair of you, so I think you are definitely making the right decision.

Write back whenever you feel you need to and if you want to discuss anything further.

I wish you all the best and trust me that you are making the right decision.

Caroline.