Expert: Caroline West - 2/8/2011

Question
I was divorced, happy, a little stressed from being a single parent. I liked when I got my every second weekend with no kids so that I could go and hang out with friends. About a year after my divorce, I met this man that I just connected with. We talked, laughed, played games (cards, wii) and just got along so well! I did not let him meet my kids for 8 months, until I was SURE that he was a good guy.
He met them, and it was great, they loved him, I loved him, all was well. Things went fast, we became inseparable, he moved in, almost a year later we got married.
I knew that he would take Vicodin everyone ONCE in a while, but that was it.
He got laid off, I told him it was ok, as long as he was trying, and helped out other ways.
One day I went to the store, and my debit card was declined. I was like, "what???" He was with me, told me I must have spent too much somewhere. Came to find out that he took money out of my account.
I was going to call the police, because I saw a debit withdrawl about 2 hours before I did my online banking. And he fessed up. He took the money, just so he could have some "spending money". He tearfully apologized, it would never happen again. It didn't.
A month goes by and my daughter's ipod is missing. It must have been those "bad" kids! They were moving.... Then MY ipod goes missing, along with the connector to the stereo.... then I notice many of my DVD tv shows are gone, and my daughter's dsi!
NO, it is NOT the kids (that had moved!) it was my HUSBAND!
I then began to notice his constricted pupils, his attitude, etc... I confronted him, LIES, and more LIES...
Finally he broke down, admitted he traded our items for pills, he wanted help... he wrote out a letter stating he would not have the keys to his truck, his cell phone etc.
This lasted 3 days, by day 3 he was looking for a fight, so he could have a "reason" to leave.
At this point I am furious, hurt, and just plain PISSED at him. I came home from work yesterday after the last fight, and he was trying to snuggle with me.
He makes me ill at this point so I did not even know what to do. I just laid in bed, unresponsive.
I woke up, got my kids off to school,  went to work.
At which point he was supposed to be checking into detox/some kind of rehab, and he called me and told me how much it would be a week. (my family doctor doesn't prescribe suboxone...
I just got agitated... MORE money gone! Then he informed me he had a key to his truck, he was leaving when I got home, so he could "breathe" I have been so negative... well HELL YES I have been!
I told him, he made an agreement to NOT use his truck, to keep out of temptations way. He told me I am trying to control him.
Keep in mind, for the first 1.5 years, we did almost everything together....
I get home, he has the kids bundled up to take them to their dad's, and I was like, "omg, you have got to be kidding."
So he angrily packed a bag, told me this is MY fault, I tried to talk to him, tell him it was the withdrawl, and I asked him to go outside in the garage. We go outside, and he acted all angry at ME, and I am, quite frankly sick of it.
He stormed outside, and in front of our neighbor told me that he was leaving me. I looked at him, and said fine. What is the point of arguing with someone over that.
I went in, and I told the girls that he would not be staying with us anymore, we have been fighting too much. My youngest was upset.
He came back in 10 mins later and said that he was sorry... I had never told the girls that he was leaving before, they never saw it.
Then he became mad that I told them he was leaving... and reassured them that he wanted to stay, I wanted him to leave... which made my mind furious.... he cried, acted dramatic, and I told my girls we were leaving.
He texted me ask if he could come. I told him no. He texted later saying he wanted to stay at home, he didn't want to leave. When we came home, he wasnt here. I texted him to ask him where he was, he said, "out" and I told him that I was not going to tolerate this anymore. I was done. I am sick of it. He of course said it is all my fault because I "won't stop talking about it"... but, I CAN'T. I don't trust him, I feel betrayed by him, and I am sooo angry.

But I still CARE. And that is what makes me stop.
I can't have the kids around this. I do not want this. But I do not want him to ruin his whole life. And I do not know what to do. I do not understand HOW you can let a substance ruin your life... or WHY you would, so I am even more disgusted.
What should I do?

Answer
Hello Maureen.

I am sorry that you are going through this. It is always very hard for the partner of the user as it is for the user themselves and I'll do my best to help but know that there is no easy answer when it comes to addiction but there is hope and there are ways out of it.

Firstly I want to talk a bit about Vicodin and Addiction. Vicodin is a heavy going drug. It has two powerful ingredients in it, both being highly addictive and one being particularly damaging to the Liver. The FDA in 2009 suggested the removal of Vicodin fron the market as they considered it a danger to the public. The Drug Enforcement Agency increased it's drug class from three to two as they are recognising it's increased misuse. Addiction to Vicodin in the US is extremely high and just to let you know, it is highly addictive and easy to get hooked on them without even realizing it.

With Addiction,people do not set out to become addicted to a drug. What often happens is that they try a drug,like it's effect,carry on taking it and before they realize,they are addicted physically as well as psychologically. No one sets out to purposely get hooked. Also what happens is that a person will use it occasionally and once again before they realize it,they begin taking more of the drug and taking it more frquently because their tolerence to the drug is increasing so they need more of it. Believe me it is not a conscious decision to set out to get addicted. This is why there is a deterent to even pick up a drug for the first time because of the very nature of what I have described. Drugs are cunning and devious and then they start to change the users behaviour and personality and make them act in ways like your husbands by stealing money to buy more of it. And believe me,once you are addicted,it is sheer hell to come off the substance without proper medical help and even then so much damage (addiction wise) has been done and it is hard work to stay stopped. But again,there is hope and it is very much achievable.

Now,the issue about your Doctor. Without that Suboxone prescription,your husband stands little chance of coming off of Vicodin by himself. So I will say to you that your option is to change your Doctor to one that can prescribe Suboxone. I do not know exactly how it works in the US,but over here in the UK,as long as you are in a Doctors catchment area (local to them) you can change without a problem. So try that. Also there should be a Drug and Alcohol Team local to you. Again I am not clear on exactly how it works where you are but there must be a team that covers your area. Find out and get your husband in there as they will be able to prescribe Suboxone from there. Also look up local or national charities that help people with Addictions who can offer advice and support to yourself as well. So even though the US system is different,what I do know is that there is help available and it takes searching for it and trying different avenues to get that help,so you will need to do that to get him seen to.

Like I said at the start-there is no simple answer and I so wish I could give it,but you do have options available. First things first he needs that prescription. Secondly,he needs support in the form of a Drugs Councellor/worker to talk to while he is coming off of Vicodin and to aid him for the future when he wants to be totally clean from the Suboxone too. Inpatient Rehabs are not the only avenues to look down,there are other means as i have described.

Well Maureen I truly hope that some of what I have said has helped. Hang on in there. Look for the help available and don't give up just yet. Also know that I am here if you feel you wish to talk some more about this. I wish you and your husband all the very best and hope you and he get the help. Take care,Caroline.