Expert: Caroline West - 2/20/2011

Question
Hello,hope your well.

I just was wondering what advice you might have on me being able to support my boyriend through his herion addictin.He was gone for 4 years and has finally acccepted getting help and has totally opened up to the process and listening with his heart rather then his head.Doing the steps and being really positive about it. Im over the moon i've never seen this side of him in my life and i just want him to continue on this path.What should i do to keep him in the good place and on the right track,staying positive and believing it will work? I also have this is odd feeling in my gut that now hes clean im not gonna be good enough for him,hes unlike anyone  ive ever met, sensative and loving and loyal,i dont want him to realise he could do better.isnt that terrible?

Answer
Hi Jessica,I'm sorry in getting back to you so late,my apologies.

Don't feel bad about what you are thinking,it's not terrible of you,you are just naturally worried.

I am always frank and to the point in my responses,just to let you know,as I feel it is better to be honest and truthful with people.

When a user does decide to get clean,their perspective on things does change,their entire lives change. And to be fair to you,he may well decide to end the relationship with you not because you are worthless or beneath him,but because he has changed and it is not a reflection on your character. Everything changes when a user gets clean. Their choice of friends change,they start to revert back to their true selves that had become lost over the years and they rethink and take stock of their lives. So he may well want to stay with you and see that you have always stuck by him and that you are the woman that he wants. Or he may move on. I cannot predict what will happen,all I'm doing is telling you what usually happens when someone gets clean.

It's nice that you have seen 'Him' beneath the drugs,the sensitive,loving and loyal part you described. That's nice Jessica because you have looked beyond his drug use and subsequent behaviour.

What can you do? good question. The answer? just be yourself with him and be genuine in his successe's with working the steps. Keep reminding him when he slackens off,to read his 'Just for Today' handbook. Encourage him,when he doesn't feel like it,to get to a meeting and point out that he needs it as it is that which is making him stronger being around fellow users in recovery. Encourage him to keep working on his steps. And watch out for him becoming too complacent-which happens a great deal; users are doing so well in recovery that they think they have it in the bag and they stop attending meetings,talking to their sponsers and so on,so keep him from becoming complacent.

I understand your insecurity I really do. But look at the positive-you are not a user too. If you were,then I would probably say that he would get shot of you immediately. But because you are not a user and you have stuck by him,he will probably wish to have you around him. I think you need to tell him how you are feeling. Talk to him. Don't keep it bottled up inside. I know that you are scared in case you do not get the answer that you want,but it will put your mind at rest either way and then you yourself will know where you stand. So have that chat with him.

Anything else I can help you with by all means write in again. Good luck and take care. Caroline.