Expert: Caroline West - 2/11/2011

Question
QUESTION: My son is 21yrs old, he had a car accident, while using, and has a spinal cord injury.  He lies, takes his check doesn't pay his bills , my sister who is sick with stage 4 cancer will give him almost any amount of money he asks for. He has stolen our credit cards, checks and wrote them for 100 at a time.  Things have gotten missing, even his things.  I found him shooting up pain killers into his arm in the tub.  My husband has wanted to put him out of the house. We took him to re-hab and wouldn't admit to having a problem, he went to a drug counselor for about two months. He has medical needs. I have thought of going out of the country for treatment for his spinal cord injury but then I think , why should I be killing myself, making my husband and myself miserable, locking everything up, out life has been turned upside down. I worry about him living alone?

ANSWER: Hello Renee. Hope you are well.

Ok,there are a few things going on here that I want to talk about.

He is definitely an addict. But one who is in severe denial and only those that can put their hands up and admit to having a problem can be helped. Those that believe,like your son,that they have no problem-no amount of drug therapy will work,he has to surrender first to having an addiction before his drug use can be addressed. So Rehabs and Drug Counselling will not have any effect let alone sort his problems out. That's the first problem.

He has a serious physical condition that I believe could be the root of his increased drug use. I think that becoming handicapped by the accident has impacted him so severely that using is his means of escaping the fact that he has gone from being an able bodied young man to one who is now handicapped. Maybe he has not faced up to,or cannot face up to what has happened to him. It is no doubt a huge shock to him emotionally and mentally as well as physically.

Please don't put him out of the house. I would say to you,what you are already thinking about,which is going overseas to get him treatment for his Spinal Cord injury. I understand that his behaviour has become untolerable,but I don't think you should give up just yet. If he can get help with his disability and become able bodied again,then and only then,his drug addiction can get looked at and done something about. What do you think? Having an injury like he has is debilitating in mind and body and I think that's the root cause. So please consider getting him this treatment.

Also pain relief medication is highly addictive and a persons tolerance to the effects increases which leads to more and more needing to be taken to get the desired effect as at the beginning.

Yes his behaviour is wrong and inexcusable,but this young man needs help. Not Drug Intervention right now as he is not ready for that-a person has to hit their 'Rock Bottom' in their use before they can do anything about their problem along side a reason to find worth quitting for. So please consider the treatment for him overseas.

I wish you all the best. I am here if you would like to discuss this further and I hope that you all can find some resolution. Take care,Caroline.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: My son is begining to avoid coming home. He says he wants to be on his own but, he for instance will go on away for a couple of days with a friend ot a town called gatlinburg a few hundred miles a way but he comes back and I can tell he has been strung out. In the 4 days he was gone he came back to where we live and then went back.  He is supose to have physical therapy twice a week. He is blowing that off now, but he wants us to do the stem cell.  He is often disrepectfull to me if I say no to money and usually his truck causes big problems. Should I park the truck, totally cut him off from money?  He gets 450 a month of his own and blows through it within days. He registers for clssese for the student loan money then doesn't go. Take truck, phone, money?

Answer
Hello Renee.

You have every right to be angry and fed up with your son after reading this follow up. He is taking no responsibility for himself. He does not want to go to physio yet wants you to spend even more money on him with this stem cell surgery. I say to you to make him prove himself. What I mean is get him to commit to his regular twice weekly physio for say 2 months and only then will you consider the other treatment. Do not spend any more money on him until he shows he is himself committed to getting better.

Also,he seems fit enough to go off miles away for days on end and go partying,which is what he is doing-I'm no fool and if he comes back looking strung out and wasted,then that is what he has been doing. So,no,don't pay for this overseas treatment and do what he asks,make him grow up and take some responsibility himself for the physical needs he has.

Financially he is taking advantage of you,he is taking advantage of student loan money and has not learned the lesson of financial responsibility. Make him grow up Renee. Refuse him the money for the treatment and tell him to start showing some maturity and seriousness regarding physio. And stop giving him money. He gets 450 a month,loan money too-let him find out what life is like when he has to fend for himself so I say to you to stop giving him the money. He is only blowing it on drugs anyway.

Like I said in my last reply,he is in denial so go ahead and give him a wake up call.

I wish you all the best and write in again if you want more support and help. Caroline.