Expert: Peter L. - 2/21/2011

Question
I have been married to my husband for 5 yrs. He is a very loving man. We have 5 grown children between us ( previous marriages for both of us )We did have one child together that died at birth. I have recently found out that he has a drug problem. His family never told me until recently. They say it started after his 1st divorce. When I met him I had no reason to even suspect it. We have been apart now for 3 months due to him being on crack. I just don't know what to do to help him. His family has completely given up on him. This man was the love of my life and now I am afraid that the drugs has destroyed us. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Answer
Hi Sue,

I can see how tough a situation this is, and many people have written to me with similar concerns. Suffice it to say that not everyone wishes to reveal a past they - for the most part - think is truly over and done with.  It might be said that we would like to reserve the right, as human beings, to reveal about ourselves what we feel will put us in the best light.  And in turn, we want to conceal those things that might be deal breakers.  A drug problem can be one of those things.

I haven't gleaned from your message whether your husband was substance-free when you met.  If this was the case, he may have felt it was unnecessary to inform you of it.  If he was abstinent and in recovery, it's safe to assume he wanted to continue a sober lifestyle.  Most people in recovery recognize it's a better lifestyle -- but not all.

Relapse is one of the most difficult aspects of working in addiction treatment.  It's never gratifying to see a client you support and encourage drop out of treatment or show up multiple times over many years, never seeming to be able to "get recovery".   But that's a part of the business in working with addiction one has to accept, whether one likes it or not.  

Your husband obviously has a serious addictive history, and it has probably cost him considerably in all those areas in which substance use impacts.  Not the least of these is family.

You may have taken action and told him to leave the house, as the consequences of his use progressed.  If so, that was completely defensible.  Or, he may have left on his own to pursue his life of crack.  Nevertheless, he won't be able to sustain it without further consequences.  What he will do when these occur is another matter.

It's not that this man is evil, or deliberately antagonistic to you and the family by seeming to prefer a life of addiction.  It's that his thinking and judgment have been corrupted by addictive behavior: addicts and alcoholics have severely compromised brains and are not able to discern what is happening to them.  They deny the severity of their behaviors every day.  They cast others in a negative light, when those people have only tried to help them.  In other words, addictive behavior is a completely self-defeating lifestyle, one that is ultimately progressive and destructive.

Your husband may be in contact with you, if he isn't already.  Talking to him about his situation is helpful.  Let him say what he wants, from himself, you, and the family.  Ultimately, he needs addiction treatment, and every force that can made to bear on him to get him there should be employed.  He may find himself not having a choice; a legal problem is more than likely for all substance abusers.

Allowing him back home without treatment, on the basis of promises that he is getting it together, that he's sorry about what he's done, and will get help, would not be advisable, in my view.  Addicts are good at that stuff, and when they get what they want, continue the problem behaviors unabated.  

Addiction treatment is a must, or he will not be the father and husband you would like him to be.  Maybe his family can assist in motivating him, even though they seem burnt out.  You never know when someone's ready to change. I've seen people with decades-long addictions who finally see the proverbial light bulb go on.  But somehow, it has to happen for recovery to happen.

All the best to you in this difficult situation.

Peter