Expert: Caroline West - 2/26/2011

Question
Hi Caroline,
This is Michele with the addicted family member.  I am chuckling to myself because the website says "too many follow ups. Ask a new question."  So, here I am again.

One of my biggest questions is (and always will be) what does "being there for them" really mean?  What does "to not abandon him" really mean?  When a person is homeless, isn't "being there" finding them a place to stay?  When a person doesn't have food or clothes, doesn't "being there" mean feeding and clothing? I can pull back and not provide those things but am I really "being there" in the darkest of times?  Those seem like such basic necessities so are they really considered enabling?  I have decided to not provide those things any longer because, as you said, he needs to hit rock bottom.  He has been homeless before and I thought that would be rock bottom, but obviously not for him.  I guess I just struggle with how to really "be there" for someone.  It may not sound like it but I am not looking for reasons to help this person.  I might have said it earlier, but I really don't feel close to him at all and sometimes don't even like him.  My heart isn't gushing with love and compassion.  I am not proud to say it, but I am glad he is not in town.  Seeing him reminds me of my own struggle to help him and it is so hard.  I guess that is why I thought I should provide those things mentioned above.  I thought it was my duty and also the only way to get an addict on his/her feet even though it was a struggle for me.  

By the way, the "young man" you referred to in our earlier correspondance is 52.  Isn't that a sad story?  Since the age of 14 he has been using (something), lying, stealing everything from money to jewelry to household items and personal possesions yet always coming back to his family for help. It is like he doesn't even remember.  The last time he lived with me was almost 25 years ago when we were young.  I had just started a new job.  Even though it was a good job with a promising future, I had nothing.  I was washing my clothes in the bathtub and eating macaroni for dinner.  He saw all of that and he still dug through my personal papers, stole a check, forged my name and left town.  Can you beleive that he has had the nerve to ask any family for anything? That is just one small example of how we have all been treated for 40 years.  I am not whining or exaggerating; it is heartbreakingly true.  

At the time, I didn't know much about addiction and just thought he was selfish.  Now I know the monster that owned him.  It is just still hard to sacrifice anything for him knowing how he has treated everyone.  I fully expect him to show up at my doorstep anytime with no acknowlegement of even the most recent manipulations.  I beleive in my mind that as long as his body holds out, he will continue to use drugs and people.  I hope in my heart that someone else will be able to, when he is ready, give him a helping hand.

Answer
Hello Michelle, I didn't realize the system sends out 'too many follow ups',never mind,at least they directed you on what to do.

I have to say this-my eyes nearly popped out of my head when I read how old he is! I honestly thought we had been talking about a 22-26 year old,not a 52 year old man! This changes a lot for me now.

What a selfish,selfish man. He has had his whole life to sort himself out and to stop hurting those closest to him and he has chosen to carry on with his drug using,lying,stealing,taking advantage,manipulating and so on. And I will now say to you to let him get on with it by himself.

I can tell you something. If you provide an active drug user with provisions like food and toiletries it does nothing for them in terms of wanting to stop using. It makes their life as an addict a whole lot easier and that's all there is to it.

This 'Being there' term is so vague but what it means to me is to be there for them when and only when they have chosen to get clean. So if like now he came to you in 6 weeks time,clean shaven,nice clean clothes on,a sparkle in his eyes,off drugs,wanting nothing-you welcome him back,your 'there' for him still. But if he comes back in 6 weeks,unshaven,dirty clothes,looking like crap,glassy eyed and asking for money-then you slam the door in his face. Do you see the difference?

You have done enough for him in my mind and as I have said to you before,he is simply not helping himself. By you helping him it won't make him help himself-he has to come to that decision by himself. And is it too late?  He is 52 years old and when users get to that age they have the new excuse that they are too old now to change. You have done so much for him,way more than anyone else I have heard of. And it's still not registering with him. The decision is ultimately yours but I would say to let him go and get on with his life and you should too. You have done your best. My ex used to take advantage by accepting me buying groceries for him but when I saw that was not helping him get clean I stopped because I felt used and unappreciated. And he is still using to this day and is only 10 years younger than your relative.

There comes a time when enoughs enough and you need to let go of any guilt that you may be harboring. Everyone is responsible for their own lives. You have taken on the responsibility of his life for him and to no avail,he has to do it himself and he is choosing not to. You are now getting to the point where you have had enough of him and I am glad you have. Just don't get sucked in again the next time he comes knocking on your door with empty promises of how he is now willing to change and so on...Change first comes from the person themselves,effort comes first from them also and until you see that happening,I would help him no more. Unless of course you accept that he is not going to change and you want to make his miserable life a bit easier for him by buying him provisions. That's what you need to address within yourself.

Have a think and keep in touch if you wish to talk some more. 52? I thought my eyes were going to bounce off my computer screen!! Take care,Caroline.