Expert: Caroline West - 3/30/2011

Question
Dear Ms. West,
My boyfriend of a year has just walked out of my life.  I will give you some background when I met him it was like a fairy tale and it didn't take us long to fall in love.  Around Christmas 2009 he told me he relapsed.  We stopped talking except for the occasional text message.  Finally, I told him I couldn't play these games and he agreed to go to a shelter/drug program.  He only stayed about a month of the three month program.   When he got out things were great for about five weeks and then he relapsed again.  He confronted me and told me he couldn't be with me now and that he couldn't stop.  That was last April almost a year ago.  Two months later he wound up in jail and contacted me but I didn't accept the calls.  However, I missed him and still loved him so I wrote him a letter.  We reunited and I stood by him for nine months.  While he was away he promised he would go to outpatient and NA daily.  He told me it was going to be me and him and our lives were going to be great.  I was happy because I believed in him.  He had nine months clean and I thought this was going to be a new start for us.  When he got out he didn't seem real happy, was distant, and sometimes would say things to hurt me.  You are pushing me too much and drawing me away etc.  I stopped pressuring him and he only went to a few meetings.  He started hanging out with an old buddy because he needed help working because of his back which has been a continuous issue since before he was locked up.  I think he may have a disc problem.  He had a scheduled MRI and was looking into it but it was difficult to get help because of the insurance he has.    Anyways, I noticed distant and him hanging out with his old buddies.  I confronted him and he told me he would change this and we would be closer.  He asked me what I wanted and I told him to be the way he was calling and talking more often.  He said okay.  After I left for the weekend he contacted me once by phone and two text messages.  By this point, I thought something was wrong.  I phoned him and he didn't pick up.  My birthday was that Friday and he never called me back so then I disconnected his phone being we shared a line.  This is so wierd, he always was able to tell me the truth but this time he just walked out of my life with no explanation.  He promised me we would be married and were going to have a great life.  He made so many promises towards his recovery and not one fulfilled.  Is this normal after a year and a half to just walk away with no explanation.  I am hurt and know he chose drugs over us.  Why couldn't he tell me.  I was the only one who stood by him not even his family and I feel very belittled.  I didn't contact anyone in his family because although he didn't tell me I don't feel it could be anything else.  I feel so bad it has been two weeks.  He didn't even have the audacity to call me on my birthday.  This is not like him at all, but when he starts using he does act differently.  After all we been through I can't believe he couldn't even tell me the truth.

Answer
Hello Marla. Sorry for the late reply,I must have gone past the email by accident so I send my apologies.

It is so hard to be in a relationship with a drug user. Relapses happen quite often,promises are made. And though at the time they sound sincere,and they are even to the user himself,in reality it is a different matter.

Being in Jail for 9 months secludes you from the outside world and when you do return,it is a shock to the system and is very easy to fall back in with old pals and ways of doing things because it is familiar. Just to let you know as well,drugs are rife in Prison and I have known many people that have said it is easier to get drugs in jail than it is on the street. I just want you to know that.

Stopping drugs is not about just having one last smoke and then packing it in. It is a whole lifestyle change and is very difficult. A person has to change within themselves and start to change people and hang outs they were used to simultaneously and it is by no means easy. I'm sure that every time he has made promises to you he has believed them to be true himself as well but in reality,it is very different. I used to get promises from my ex all the time and they were never carried through and I told him in the end to stop promising me with words but show me with actions,and that is what you need to see with this guy. That he is acting on his promises.

It just seems that he is going back on everything he has said to you. Like you said,he promised he would go to a program and NA daily but he didn't carry it through. And now he has walked out on you. And I'm afraid to say that there are many men out there that in the end do choose drugs over their girlfriends and it looks like that is what has happened. You are not alone in this.

I'm sorry he never called you on your birthday. It was either out of shame and being unable to face you or he was stoned,didn't care or all three. I think you should maybe give up on this guy. He has had help and has let you down time and time again and you have to ask yourself if you want something better for yourself or more of the same. What do you deserve? Something better I hope you feel. You can carry on living in hope that he will come back and give you more promises and that he will change or you can see this relationship for what it really is. How many chances are you prepared to give? I can tell you now that you will be let down by him more and more than you already have been. But it is up to you.

I don't know what else I can tell you. Giving up drugs is very hard and it takes a very long time and lapses and relapses happen,so that is what life with a user will be like. Recovery will always be in the forefront and having been an addict never goes away as I have known people 6 years clean and something happens and they have a full on relapse,it happens. I vowed after my ex that I would never go out with a drug user ever again because I've been through it once already and I wasn't prepared to put up with it again. So how about you? Are you willing to keep putting up with it or are you ready to move on?

If you want to talk some more then by all means feel free to write in again and I hope some of what I have said has helped. I just can't give an easy solution as there really isn't one except wanting better for yourself. Take care,Caroline.