Expert: Peter L. - 3/27/2011

Question
My husband and I have been married for 16 years.  We have four children 8 year old twin boys, a 6 year old daughter and a very sweet 2 year old son.  Our life has been good.  I work as a teacher and my husband and I own a hair salon ( he is a stylist).  I thought things were going fine until just about a year ago when my husband told me he was addicted to Crack and that we owed about $80, 000 dollars in taxes on the business.  I freaked out... didn't know what to do... threatened him  etc... finally in January 2011 he went to rehab.  He should have stayed there for 2 - 3 months but came home early (after just one month) He was really convinced that he had changed and he convinced me as well.   He started going back to work slowly... I had to remortgage our home to pay all the debts.  We were stabalized and I felt that everything was going to be okay.  Except, I started noticing signs, missing money, etc.... He wrote a check for $150 dollars from the business and then lied right to my face about it, just last night.   We can't afford to do this again!!!  I'm really scared!!!  I'm thinking of leaving( I don't know how to do it all, because I am a part owner of the shop... there are just so many details to work out. I feel overwhelmed!  Also, just since September I found out that my twin boys have ADD, after reading the information about that my husband believes (and I do too) that he also suffers from ADD.  I think this is the reason he turned to drugs when his life got too complicated and overwhelming...  Help!

Answer
Hi Debbie,

I can see how difficult this has been for you.  You are learning first hand about how difficult a situation addictive behavior brings upon individuals, marriages, and families.

Unfortunately, vulnerability to addiction is not easy to predict.  You and your husband have been married a long time, and it appears his addiction has surfaced relatively recently.  I wonder how long he has been involved with cocaine, however.  I suspect longer than he may be revealing.

The extent of his addiction is readily apparent.  He has followed an all-too-frequent pattern of addiction recovery typified by quite a few treatment ambivalent individuals: go to rehab, leave early or reject treatment for any of a variety of reasons, attempt to continue recovery efforts on one's own, fail at that ultimately, and then due to shame and guilt conceal a resumption of use.  

Of course, the resumption of the addictive behavior gets discovered, as you have noted.  

So let's take this one step at a time:  Your husband needs to get back into treatment, and he has to stay in it.  No excuses.  He should get an intensive treatment at first, then step down to lesser amounts as time goes on.  But he should be getting some kind of help for at least six months.  These treatments should include urine screens.  You may also ask if you can be informed of treatment results, or urine screen results.  Why would you do this?  Because if he's still using, he's endangering the family, and in ways you may not be able to see yet.  

Your husband may suffer from ADD, but that's no excuse for using cocaine.  He may need ADD meds. The reason he turned to drugs is that he liked the effects of cocaine, particularly how it seemed to create for him an alternate reality that seemed preferable to the one he has.  Which brings me to my next point: after he gets through the substance abuse treatment, he needs to explore where life has not "delivered" for him.  Where are his discontents?  Marriage, work, family, self-image, spiritual emptiness, a failure to find meaning in his life?  There may be a need for marital counseling as well down the line.

Now I will give my bottom line appraisal of the situation.  If he refuses to get back in treatment, or quits early again, he is essentially saying his relationship with cocaine is more important to his relationship with you and the children.  If so, he should be "liberated" to pursue the drug relationship.  He can't have relationships with substances and relationships with family.  They are not compatible.  The family cannot be expected to wait interminably until he figures this out.

I have worked in the addictions field for 28 years.  At the risk of seeming like a counselor who does not express the expected sensitivity to the problem as one would expect, today I am of the viewpoint that families must be protected from rampant addiction in the household.  Why do I say this?  Because many of my severely addicted clients were children of individuals who chose relationships with substances over relationships with them.  They suffered as a result by, paradoxically, doing the same as their addicted parent.  Many of them are parents today and dealing with the same issues.

There's my two cents, and I hope this will be helpful to you.  I encourage you to maintain strong expectations that your husband pursue treatment with the recommended follow-up care.  Anything short of that will likely not succeed and his addiction will progress, worsening life for you and your children.

Regards,
Peter