Expert: Peter L. - 4/18/2011

Question
QUESTION: For a few years now I have been attempting to convince my husband and his family to do something about my brother in law. For at least 15 years now he has been off and on drugs. Has gone to 3 different drug rehabs, AA meetings here and there and been arrested 4 times drug related. He is now 41 years old lives in his parents garage which is literally unlivable at this point. He is off and on with drug and alcohol use. My husband feels he is beyond helping due to his age. My father in law wants him around as help for my mother in law and my mother in law says she wants him out yet feeds him and cares for him on a daily basis. To top it off he has a 2 year old son with a manipulative mother who controls him every chance she gets. It's a crazy tangled mess and I am at my wits ends. I am inexperienced with what to do and how to deal with all the dynamics involved but see my brother in law spiraling down to nothingness and feel action needs to be taken. No one in the family discusses or acknowledges the problem and he has therefore become the resented entity of the house. I am desperate for guidance on how to get some positive changes made within this family. He is already 41 years old what is to come of him? I am tired of watching him spiral to nothing around his own child. I fear for his son and the resentment that is sure to come. Discussions of rehab have been negative since no one wants to pay and feel it to be a waist of money which he has none and steals at any opportunity. His work is landscape part part time from another drug addict friend which he gets paid under the table. He has no ambition to find any other work even the birth of his son and need to help with support didn't change his dependancy. Would love an idea of what to do to start making positive change within the family.

ANSWER: Hi Sharee,

Perhaps due to my profile description here on AE, or some other factor, the type of problem you are are presenting and what to do about it is one of the most common requests I receive.  And I'm mentioning that only because I want to underscore how serious a phenomenon this is.  It's natural for family, and extended family, to want to be supportive of the alcoholic/addict, but there are some serious limitations to consider.

While you are a member of the family by marriage, the family dynamics developed long before you met your husband.  I would wonder what other addictive behaviors exist in his family history.  The avoidance you describe ("no one in the family discusses or acknowledges the problem") is characteristic of alcoholic/addict family systems.

Despite my role as someone whose professional life is assisting addictive-behaving individuals find recovery, I've taken the sometimes difficult position and advocated for family members first and foremost.  There are not many options for families in situations such as yours.  Your brother-in-law has been doing what he does for a long time and has shaped his lifestyle around addiction.  It's a very hard thing to break after so many years.

You have more possibilities in making positive choices in your immediate family than in your husband's.  Start with identifying how the brother-in-law is impacting yours and your husband's relationship.  How are you both at odds about this, and how is it manifesting in the relationship?  Is he enabling the behavior, or conjoined with others in his family who are?  If he is, he has to know he is simply perpetuating his brother's problem by removing consequences.

This man will not change unless he has to.  Some factor, healthwise, legal, family, job, financial, etc. has to become sufficiently powerful for him to recognize this can't go on.  This
tough love is a difficult process and often summarily rejected by family members.  But without it, the dysfunction goes on unabated. This eventually wears down family until someone "goes off."  

I don't think you have a lot of resources here to affect this brother, and have to let him go where his addiction will take him.  Your husband, and other family members have to do this also. You can't force someone into recovery.  They find it when they are ready.  Until that time, family members have to protect themselves emotionally and practically.  I know watching this fellow spiral downward is painful, but may not be able to be prevented unless he opens a window to change -- or this window is opened for him by circumstances.

I hope this is helpful.

Regards,
Peter  



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Do you feel it is time to do the tough love ultimatum. Sober up or move out. He has been living in his parents garage for over 2 years now. He makes no contributions to daily expenses doesn't support his kid and barely makes enough for daily existence. I believe there is fear that the ultimatum would put him on the streets which has prevented any action thus far. I have mentioned al anon for families to my husband encouraging his mother and father to attend. Do you feel this would be helpful? I just feel something needs to happen sooner than later or at least a plan of action needs to be established even if that means to leave the situation as is. I seem to be the only out spoken person within the family supporting my mother in law but always seem to get ignored.

Answer
Hi Sharee,

It may be time for the tough love scenario, but I wouldn't recommend you be the driving force for that.  It could bring you some problems you would not wish to have.  The family dynamics are what they are.  You are to a very great degree the outsider, involved with this family through marriage.  The problems with this brother took shape well before you met your husband, and will likely persist despite your urgings.

Al-Anon would be helpful to everyone in the life of this individual.  You will see this is a common phenomenon, and how people handle it.

Peter