Expert: Sherrie Sweet - 8/25/2011

Question
hi. i relapsed recently after having 5 years clean in a 12 step program. my boyfriend, who is also in recovery, caught me drinking vodka one morning and i confessed to everything. i went back to the program and announced myself as a newcomer (even though i don't feel like i am) and have started working the steps again. my boyfriend is still very angry at me for relapsing and not telling him right away. he has decided to stay with me and work things out but the house (we live together) is so uncomfortable and he is so nasty and mean to me i feel like using all the time or committing suicide. he has told me he won't be supporting me with getting back in recovery and he hasn't shown any compassion or support as promised.
i have a few questions. although i understand that he is angry, is this a normal response from someone in the program ? everyone else has been nothing but supportive and loving. the second question is should i go back to my original clean date (and be coming up on 6 years) if that feels more comfortable to me? i will be moving out of state in year and want to just go back to my original clean date when i move. the third question is i am not sure how to deal with people that have more clean time than me when i use to have more clean time than them. how do i deal with this so i can stop beating myself up so badly? lastly, i am thinking of dropping out of the program all together because it seems to be making me feel worse about myself. should i try another alternative like church or something?
any suggestions you have would be really helpful. thanks!

Answer
Hi Cari,
My suggestion to you is to keep going and working through your resistance.  In my opinion acceptance is the hardest part of this whole process.  Think back to 6 years ago, when you first got clean. Remember how hard it was to truly admit that you were an addict and suffered from a disease that carries so much negative connotation in our society?
In the recovery process, people relapse. It’s an unfortunate reality for many . Very often people struggle with the feeling that they are starting over. The old feelings of shame and guilt come back, creating a resistance.  In my opinion, the date of sobriety is far less important than the fact that you are clean today. Someone with 6 years or 10 years of recovery has no less to offer to the process, than someone who has 10 days. In recovery, when we begin to judge the process, or impose time limits and class sections we are no different than the majority of society who does not understand addiction as a disease but rather sees it as a weakness or moral issue.
With respect to your boyfriend, he may be struggling with some of the same acceptance issues that you appear to be experiencing. Perhaps he will agree to attend meetings with you, or to see a counselor.
Most importantly Cari, remember that you know how to do this. You don’t have to start over or reinvent the wheel. Allow yourself to do what works and accept the process as you have in the past. Many times when someone has a relapse they realize that they had become complacent and were no longer using the recovery tools they had developed in the past.
Sherrie