Expert: Sherrie Sweet - 9/11/2011

Question
I have been seeing a great guy (almost 50 years old) for over a month now.  He has a good job that he has held for more than 5 years, he owns his own home, he has a college degree, and he seems very stable with his life together.

We have a strong connection and last week he shared with me he was a recovering alcoholic and crack addict and has been clean for almost 20 years. While I have seen many successful recovering alcoholics,  I have family addicted to crack and all have either died, are close to death or are still using.  Usually any revelation of drug use, past or present, would be a deal breaker for me and I would stop dating the person immediately... However, he is such a wonderful man and we seem to have so much in common with a great connection.  I also recognize the courage it must have taken to share this and appreciate his honesty.   I really have strong feelings for him that make it difficult to write him off so quickly.  Isn't it wrong to hold someone's past against them if they appear to have changed?

I understand recovery is a day to day battle.  I also know I have no power to keep him from relapsing.  It is all up to him.  I worry that he will relapse and take me down with him.  I had a traumatic childhood due to a parent with crack addiction,  I would be devastated if we continued with the relationship and he went down that road.

Is it a positive sign that he has been clean so long?  He talked about accountability and recognizing triggers, does that mean that he will relapse if something bad happens?  If we have an argument will he relapse?  Will I have to walk on eggshells to help prevent a relapse?   Statistically, how likely is it that he will relapse?  If i tell him i don't want to see him because of his addiction, will it make him feel bad and he relapse?  Should I not mention my fear of his addiction if I end it?  We usually talk about everything but I am afraid that being open about my fear may cause him to relapse.  Any advice?  We are both taking it slow and marriage is not something on the immediate horizon.  It may get there some day however and I need to make a choice soon before it gets too serious.

Thanks for your patience with my many questions and any ignorance I may have shown regarding addiction.  I really need some insight from someone that understand the topic.

Answer
Hi Karen,
You seem to have a good understanding about the disease of addiction and the work it takes to stay clean and sober. I agree with you that counseling would be very helpful. You are not responsible for your boyfriends behaviors, sobriety, or relapse.
It is my opinion that all of your questions are normal and valid. Utilizing counseling, either individually or as a couple, can assist you with gaining the confidence you need to make important decisions about your future.
Another great resource would be to attend al-anon meetings. These meetings are designed for the family members of individuals active or in recovery.
There are no absolutes or guarantees with this disease the only thing that you can do is to increase your understanding of the disease itself, how it manifests in your boyfriend, and in turn set your boundaries.
Good Luck to you both
Sherrie