Expert: Crystal - 1/22/2012

Question
hi,
i have been in a relationship with another recovering addict for 13 years. we were both clean up until about 8 months ago when i started using again. i went back into the program and we stayed together and worked through everything, built back trust and got rid of some fears. the problem is i constantly feel awful and bad about myself because he has been clean longer than me now (he has 14 years now and i have 8 months). i don't talk at meetings anymore and i have not picked up any of my chips. for the first time in my life i am ashamed of my clean time because i have less than him. i don't ever want to use again, but i no longer want to stay in the 12 step program i am in because it just reminds me of this fact. at first i thought this feeling would go away but time has passed and i have talked about it and worked the steps with my sponsor and i am feeling worse than in the beginning.  i guess my question is where do i go from here? i am at a point where i need to choose because the subsequent depression that has resulted is affecting my ability to function on a day to day basis. do i leave him and stay in the rooms or leave the rooms and keep the relationship? i know i shouldn't be comparing, i'm on my own journey, etc., etc., and nothing said has helped. praying and other suggestions have not worked either so it is time for action. no matter what i do or say or think, it doesn't change the fact that he has been clean and sober longer than i have. i can't change this or the past but i can't let it go either. am i the only one who feels this way? i doubt it. but i am the only one i've heard talk about it in the rooms so i thought an outside opinion would be good idea. any input you have would be great. thanks!

Answer
Hi Amy,

I am sorry you are struggling with this and I am even more sorry that you are allowing it to consume you so much that you stop functioning. You need to stop yourself right now in your tracks and think, "why do I really feel this way"? Part of it is because you feel ashamed that you relapsed and you are disappointed in your set back especially after so many years of success so it is natural for you to feel disappointment in yourself but what you are struggling with is the questions you have in your head "is he disappointed in me, does he see me as a failure, does he believe or feel that I am not as good as him anymore". Remember that when you have a set back and you are strongly connected to someone else who directly shares this success and/or failure, we tend to believe that we have failed not only ourselves but them more than ourselves. I know you understand what I am saying. Running from it will just lead to more anxiety and less ability to accept what you have actually done. You relapsed, ok, so now focus on WHY you relapsed and not the who is around me, they were there before and they will be there after. This is all about you becoming ok inside yourself again and until you do that you are going to want to run but running is also probably an old pattern of yours so STOP YOURSELF. Accept what you have done, take your foot out of your own ass and put it back on the floor so you can stand up on both feet and become the strong woman you worked so hard to be for so long. Seriously, relapse is part of addiction and now you know that it can happen no matter what we do to try to avoid it. So now, focus on the why and work on that and only the why and then everything else will fall into place and you know all of this. As for your classes, maybe you need different classes, maybe you have outgrown them or maybe you need a time out from them and do a different one temporarily and maybe he will go with you.. there are so many options, remember that relapsing is not the end of the world, it is just a part of the circle that needs to be revamped and looked at harder and in a new light. Nobody gets clean and then stops struggling and you know that better than anyone. Right?
Stop kicking your ass... It is ok...