Expert: Peter L. - 1/4/2012

Question
I have a friend who moved from the East coast to another state quite a distance form where he was.  He has been a Heroin addict for 20 years, with at least 5 failures.  Hr has been here for a little over 2 months.  Only been clean since 11/03/2011.  Up to to this point we have strictly been friends, even though I felt more that I kept to myself.  Last night we finally had some time alone, since he got here, and he let me know he has been very interested in me. This is the VERY FIRST mention of more than friendship.  I know he isn't suppose to engage in a relationship for the first year of sobriety.  This is all very hard because I have known him for 20 years and have cared all of this time about him.  I haven't dated myself in 18 months.  No man has get inside my bubble, nor get a sexual response from me.  He made me feel things I haven't felt in a long time by one simple kiss on the lips.  Lips only, no french kissing.  No intrusive contact, either.  Finally my question. He wants to go to church, has ask me if I would go with him and of course I said yes. If I do this with him AND go to his Support Group meetings, will I be of any help or do I need to just back off?  This will be hard on both of us and not something we want, but his welfare comes first.

Answer
Hi Deb,

The last four words of your question preface a lot of my answer:  "His welfare comes first".
This man has quite a drug addiction history, and considering that, has only started his recovery.  He's had many relapses, which I assume are the failures that you speak of.  His challenge is to meet the challenge, once again, of long-term recovery.  He has not had such an experience, and that speaks volumes about his readiness in a number of areas, not the least of which is an intimate relationship.

Just the other day I spoke with my treatment group and mentioned that the "no-relationships-in-the-first-year" rule of AA is one of the most ignored.  In other words, people in recovery who engage in intimate relationships early on believe they are the exception.  Indeed, they are not, and some find out the hard way.

The way I see it, you are both vulnerable.  Him, in seeking some distraction from the hard work of recovery, and you, in not having been open to intimacy for some time - but no doubt it is something you seem to want.  Many warning flags come up for me in this situation.

Support, where there are boundaries, is one of the best ways people can help each other in a recovery situation.  As such, church, support group meetings, are neutral grounds for you to share each other's company.  He no doubt feels more empowered in his recovery having your support.

This can all go "boom" with the emergence of sex and intimacy.  Who knows who gets hit the hardest first.  This friend of yours needs the benefit of long-term sobriety and a sober lifestyle before he ventures into these, at least for him, uncharted waters.  All his efforts should go into recovery work.  If they don't or he is distracted, he will relapse,and his 20 year addiction becomes 21, 22, etc.  

So again, his welfare comes first, in that he's the one in early recovery, highly vulnerable, and with a lot of work ahead of him.  If you seek more from him, he may very likely give it to you, but with a risk for both of you at this time.  Down the road, maybe it'll be a different story.

I hope this is helpful to you.

Peter