Addiction to Drugs/What to do?

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Question
Hey Sherrie,
My husband has had a very long history of drug use and it's gotten him into a lot of trouble before. He spent 2 years in prison and was released 3 months ago. We just got married, he found a good paying job with benefits, close to home.. While in prison he spent the last 10 months of it in a work release program saving money that we used to buy a used vehicle when he got out.
We had everything going for us. Everything miraculously worked out, A home, only bill was the truck insurance, family, friends, money, everything was great.

Well he went to work Thursday night, and got paid (with overtime)Friday morning. I was gone with his mother and sisters all day. I haven't seen him since he left Thursday night. It's now Saturday night and I'm worried sick. I'm 99.99% positive he relapsed. Which I feel like strangling him for. I would never, but oh it just makes me so frustrated.

His cousin has been keeping him out before and after work (his cousin is clean, always has been) with running errands and so my husband was only home maybe 10 hours a day, at least 8 of which he spent sleeping. It was tiring him, I could tell. Thursday before work he kept saying "I don't want to go to work today" Hell, I've said that a million times. I didn't think anything of it until we got home Friday evening and he had never came home.
He called Friday morning that he was at walmart cashing his check. Asking us when we'd be home. We said we didn't know but probably all day.
So he had a $500 check. A day that he knew nobody was waiting on him. I'm sure he figured he could go blow some of it, and had every intention on being home before we got back. Or he wouldn't have asked.
His phone has been going straight to voice-mail. We haven't heard from him since that call. I'm worried SICK!!!!

Sorry for rambling.
I told him if he ever did those drugs again that I wouldn't be here waiting on him when he got back. I threatened him with that repeatedly. (I myself have had addiction problems but not this bad)

I'm afraid that with intentions of returning home and nobody knowing he "slipped" that he went from a slip, to a fall, to a royally *$&#ED! He never made it home. He was supposed to work last night. He no longer has a job. His mother says he has done this before where sometimes he's gone for 2-3 days other times he's gone for weeks. He has no problem stealing, selling anything to get more drugs. I'm afraid our truck has been traded, his phone... All of that.

My biggest "question" is for what I can do right now as I nervously wait, if I should go look for him, if I should just wait for his call (his mother says he always calls, but now I'm not so sure... he knows that I know he messed up. I'm scared he will think that I left him. That he has no reason to ever come back)

I don't even know where I'd start to look. His pay check never hit the bank account like it was supposed to be.
I don't think this was pre-meditated. I think it was spur of the moment. I think he had intentions of coming home. I think he is embarassed, ashamed, guilty, whatever and doens't want to face it.

What can I do??

Then when I do finally get him home; What can I do to make sure this doesn't happen again? I thought being clean 2 years with now 3 more years of parole... a job, a home, a wife, a vehicle etc. would keep him straight. He was doing so good. He was offered some crack when he first got home... he came and asked me if it was okay that he did a little bit. I told him no and he didn't do it. He was good. He felt terrible after the fact for even considering it. I don't know what to do. Where to start.

I feel like chaining him to a tree or keeping him in a dog crate. Ha, just to be sure he can't go mess up again

Any help would be appreciated. I am so worried, so lost, so scared. I have no idea where he is, could be, would be, or any way of getting ahold of him. :(

Answer
Just saw your message in the bulletin box. First of all, you cannot control people, places, things or situations. You cannot change people. They have to be willing. My suggestion is to end your addiction. He may have decided since you were using it would be ok for him to use. He must go to AA or NA to have support from other men who have been in his shoes. I suggest you attend AA or NA. Also, I suggest you go to alanon. It will provide you with support. They will help you because they have been right where you are. You can find AA, NA and Alanon meetings by goggling AA(NA, ALANON) in you city and state. You guys need support from the recovery community. I suggest going to a meeting daily. You focus on yourself because you are the only want that can change you. If you want when he returns contact the number listed on your city's AA meetings and call them to see if they are can arrange a 12-step meeting. Men will come share their experience with their addiction and most importantly how they got clean and sober and how they have remained this way. To support him the best you can you first have to get clean. You are saying you can't use drugs but I can. You can't tell him one thing and you do the opposite. Imagine how hard it has been for him being around you after using. You are basically throwing your high in his face. So if you want things to change starting changing you. You are the only one that can change you. You are powerless over him, his choices, actions, behaviors, thoughts, everything. You can only control you. If you change in time he will too. I know women how have spent 5 years in Alanon before their husbands got clean. So be patient. Enforce you boundaries and consequences. Let the past be in the past. Start fresh from this day with him. Start over each day if you must. Each day is a new day and a chance for sobriety and great things to happen. I may sound harsh but I am just concerned for you both and just getting to the point is better than beating around the bush. I'm sorry no one answered your question earlier. I hope I have helped somewhat. If you have more questions write directly back to me and i will answer them. Good Luck. Remember: Before change can occur one must have only a minuscule amount of willingness.  

Addiction to Drugs

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Leigh, BS, QMHP, QMRP

Expertise

I can answer questions about drug addiction, in-patient and out-patient treatment and 12 step programs. I can inform you about treatment in or near your city. I can answer questions about opiates, narcotics, speed, pain pills, cocaine, crack cocaine, suboxone,and methadone treatment. I have used and abused many drigs so I can provide fist-hand knowledge of the effect of the drug and any withdrawals whether thay be psychological or physical. I can inform loved ones how they can get help to best help the addict and themselves. I have also been a substance abuse counselor. I am a social worker that works with individuals in the criminal justice system with mental illness and/or addictions.

Experience

I have lived the life of addiction and the life of recovery. I have attended many 12-step meetings. I Have been a substance abuse counselor. I am NOT a doctor. If you want personal experience with any of the above then ask me! I have been addicted to prescription drugs, heroin, crack, powder cocaine and countless others. I can answer questions about the lives of addicts, how to help and not help someone and how to get and stay clean.

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NAMI CHADD MHA Trainings and seminars on alcoholism and addiction

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Forsyth Families bp

Education/Credentials
BS in Sociology/Criminal justice MS: Working on masters in Counseling Taken several classes in Substance Abuse

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poly-substance Abusers Mental illness with Substance Abuse

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