Addiction to Drugs/Husband Drug Abuse
I have been married for 2 months. I never saw signs of drug abuse, drug addiction or questionable behavior. We lived together for 3-4 months before getting married. Two weeks after the wedding my husband started a routine of not coming home at night. It has happened 5 times now and he has admitted that he has a drug problem. The 1st three times were within the same week. The 3rd time was about two weeks ago and then again 2 days ago. After the 3rd time I told him that I would only continue to support him through his problem if he went to rehab. He willingly went to two different facilities that both recommended intensive out-patient therapy. He admitted to using mostly crack and some cocaine, pain pills and marijuana recently. He has not started a program. He got paid 2 days ago and the money went towards drugs. He was asked to resign from his job last week because he has shown aggressive behavior and called in sick a lot recently.
My husband is very private and doesn't want anyone to know "his business". He had a good childhood, his parents and siblings have no addiction problems as far as I am aware. Sounds like there were drug and alcohol issues with his parents siblings. He was previously married and drugs/alcohol were a part of their marriage. They have been divorced for 6 years. He is prior military and could have PTSD. His dad died about 6 years ago around same time as divorce. His mom says he hasnít had a problem for a while. She is an enabler and could be lying or in denial.
When he came home after the last binge, I told him that he could not live with me again until he started out-patient therapy. He said he couldn't go now because he didn't have money or time and he told me he didn't want to come back to the house.
I love my husband very much and I am very happy with our relationship other than this new drug addiction. I was previously married to someone who had a drug problem. Been divorced for a few years now (after 3 years of misery trying to make it work). I was diagnosed as co-dependent at that time and have had many years of therapy and research on my own to learn about myself. I was very clear and direct that drugs have been a problem in past relationships and I refuse to tolerate any type of drug use. I have never had the desire to even try drugs so it is hard for me to understand how addiction works.
Can he get better? Am I doing the right thing by making him leave the house? Should I be helping him pay for treatment? Should I give him another chance?
He can go to a facility that is paid for on a sliding scale. You can find some resources on treatment programs for those with no insurance and no money. He needs to suffer the consequences of his choices. You must follow through with what he says. Are you going to al-anon? It will help you tremendously. I suggest you go daily if you can. He doesn't have time for treatment? And he has no job? What is he doing? He just don't want to make the time to go to treatment and get the help he needs. The question about you helping finance his treatment is a personal decision. I don't know what to tell you. I guess if you have the extra money and he is honestly going then I would consider it. But there are programs for uninsured to help cover the cost. You just have to be resourceful and find them. He can get better but only when he is ready and willing. You cannot force someone to get clean and sober it won't last. But if he wants to change then most certainly he can. I live a life free of alcohol and drugs. But I was ready to stop and I make the decision each day to not use. You can find AA meetings for him or na meetings by goggling AA in your city and state. You can also find al-anon meetings the same way. I suggest going daily. Those men and women are going through or have gone through what you have and can offer you free support unlike anyone else. But watch his action and don't listen to his words. Change will be seen not heard. He can lie all day but if his actions prove otherwise than you know he is changing and working a program. He has made choices that have affected his life and are affecting his life and he will have to deal with the consequences. He chose to be asked to leave the house. It was his behavior. You can also find AA or na in your city and state and ask if they will do a 12th step call. Men come out and tell him what their lives were before recovery, how they got clean and sober and what they do to stay that way. They will not force him to do anything. He just has to listen. Then he will have friends in the rooms of recovery that he can call when he is ready to stop if he is not by the time they finish talking. It's free and usually lasts an hour or 2. But for yourself sanity go to AL-ANON. You may have to wait on him to become ready to stop but in the meantime you are bettering yourself and will learn what to do when he decided to stop using. Eventually he will either stop using, get locked or die. Let's hope he chooses the first option. Change begins with a minute amount of willingness. You sounds ready to help but he just has to get on board. I know the VA has PTSD groups for military that are helpful. But again, he has to be ready. Start by going to al-anon. Maybe he will be ready sooner than later. Hope I have helped. let me know if you have more questions. Thanks.