Expert: Jurriaan Plesman, Nutritional Psychotherapist - 4/22/2004

Question
Good Evening Doctor Plesman

Further to my question submitted earlier today about the Abusive Member in CoDA.  

I would like to add additional information about the abusive member's behaviour that will assist with gaining a picture of him.  

He has shared in the meetings that his last jail sentence was for rape and then he says it was overturned after one year and the victim withdrew her statement.

Another behaviour that he displays that I find most unusual, is that all the times that he shares his story in the meetings, he always laughs and talks and laughs about his past every time he shares and during the entire  time that he shares and that this behaviour is consistent for the last 6 months that I have known him.

The really sad fact is that a very beautiful spiritual lady in the group who is dying consciously of cancer, is in a relationship with this guy, and she is supportive of his abusive behaviour, when other people attack his behaviour in the meetings.  She doesn't see him as abusive, but sees him with love, and says that its ok for him to do that behaviour in the meetings.  I have seen him subtly abuse her with that very subtle domestic violent behaviour and putdowns, and she has reacted that it was something she did that caused him to get upset with her.  What ever I do to help her see him as abusive she is unable to see it, she comes from a very christian belief that we are all children of god and she loves all people for their faults too.  Anyway thats her stuff as she has a history of attracting abusers in her life, from what she has told me.    

Again appreciate your advice on this abusive person.  

Regards
Janie D
CoDA
Brisbane


Answer
I can see what you mean. My groups were primarily psychotherapy groups whereby each member learns the psychotherapy course, as I have outlined in my book and also at our web site. Any other psychotherapy course or Assertiveness Training Course would do the same thing. Thus if that lady were to rescue an other member for unacceptable behaviour of another member, this would be called "playing rescuer". She would be swiftly confronted by any other group member and asked to explain why she was 'rescuing' that other member.

This is the advantage of 'teaching' psychotherapy to members of a group and then leave it up to members to use the techniques or not.

I would suggest that your group undertake to learn psychotherapy. You can do this by printing out chapters of the psychotherapy course at our web site, and then DISCUSS this among your members. Also one member could be asked to study one chapter and explain that chapter to the group. This is how you can learn in a group situation from studying material that is available from the Internet. This could be done in rotation. each person can be given time to prepare her little lecturette to the group with printed material given to back up her case.

This psychotherapy course, which includes Assertiveness Training, would be very helpful for members dealing with difficult partners.

Let me know what you think of this?

Jurriaan Plesman
Free Web Site at:
www.hypoglycemia.asn.au