Expert: Charles I. - 8/19/2007

Question
Hello!  Thank you in advance for your help!
I have been with my husband for the last 9 years.  He has had an alcohol and cocaine addiction for around 26 years.  He lost his first marriage due to this and has 2 children from it affected by it.  We have 2 children together now and my oldest that lives with us.  During the last 3 years, I have been trying to put my foot down and let him that he needs to get some help or else.  He has been clean off and on from cocaine as long as 1 year, but refuses to get help from AA/NA or any other program. He says he needs to do it alone. He refuses to admit to the therapist that he also needs to stop drinking.  I always tell him that I won't put up with it, but I do. He says it's just one beer and that it won't do anything. He was sober from cocaine since Oct 06 but everytime he drinks it's another drink or just 3 or just 4.  On Thursday this week, he drank a lot and used coke again.  I had told the therapist (he only see him about every 2 months or so) that if he went back to it I would not put up with it anymore.  This is devastating to see him this way, but I put up with it, I am hurting myself and my children.  I couldn't take it anymore, I kicked him out of the house with nothing. He has been out there for 2 days, I'm not sure where he is at or what he is doing.  I want to help him but I can't continue to do the same each time he goes back and use.  I keep telling him that he needs support, he cannot do it along. He doesn't agree so after such hard effort on his part he goes back.  Part of me wants to call him and tell him I will help if he wants the help, but I'm scared that the same thing happens over and over again.  I am very anxious and don't know what to tell our children when they ask where he is.  His parents are supposed to come visit next week and I'm not sure how to handle this either.  What should I do? I am hurting but I hurt even more seeing him do this to himself.

Answer
Thanks for your question. You are in a sticky situation right now. From what you describe your husband has been abusing substances for quite awhile and even though he has lost a marriage due to his using he is still in denial that he has a problem. Sadly you can not want recovery more than he does and this seems to be the case. You have given him chance after chance and he still continues his self-destructive behavior. I believe that putting him out of the house was a sound idea. He needs to finally realize that actions do have consequences, and if he chooses to continue to use it will not be tolerated. In addition, there is more to this problem...the kids. As a parent you are obligated to provide a stable, nurturing environment for them and you wrote that you feel that you are hurting yourself and your children because you put up with his behavior. In a time like this you have to place your children's needs first...they need you. If you husband wants to continue his using then so be it...but he needs to know that you are not willing to support this behavior any longer. You mentioned that his parents are coming into town...do they know he has a substance problem? If so, this might be a good time for a family intervention to express to him how you all are feeling and that you all want him to find help for his problem. In addition, I would recommend you try to find a AL-Anon meeting near you to attend...this could be a source of great support for you during this trying time. Al-Anon can allow you to interact with other people who have endured what you are going through and may offer some sound advise for you. You can look Al-Anon up on the web at www.AL-Anon.org. Sadly, you can't change your husband...he has to be the one who makes the changes, but first he has to want to change. You are right, he can't do this alone and he does need support (ie. counseling, NA/AA meetings) to make this difficult change...but first and foremost he has to want to change. I know that you are hurting for him now...but remain strong with your decision...if not for him then for your kids.
Good Luck,
Charles