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Addiction to Drugs/Ex is Cocaine Addict/Alcoholic

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Expert: - 3/1/2006


Question
Hello-my ex-husband and father of our 17 year old daughter and I married over 18 years ago. We both come from upper middle class backgrounds. He drank socially for the first year or so, but fell quickly into cocaine addiction and unending drinking. Other drugs figured in, too. He was physically abusive, racked up DUIs and drug charges, and finally went to prison. His parents kept and still keep bailing him out both legally and financially. He paroled, absconded, went back to prison for another 3 years (7 years total), and is now back out. We divorced some years ago, but somewhere I always hoped after his life fell completely to hell he would hit bottom and stop. Instead, he was sent to a community release center. While there, he met a woman who had also been in prison a few times for methamphetamine and marijuana. She has an arrest for prostitution also. He currently lives with her-she is still on parole, which she is violating just by that fact-as well as a man he was in prison wirh who did 28 years for murder. Our daughter is horrified, and wants nothing to do with him. He is completely at ease with his roommates pasts, and is furious he cannot get visitation rights with his live in. Says we are judging people we don't know. I think the meth addiction, prostitution, and murder are enough to cross them off our suitable people list. Somewhere in my mind, I still love the person he used to be. As is, he lives in a tenement. I am suing for child support, if only to divert his money from the drug dealers and liquor stores. I don't know how to move on. We have been divorced for several years. Like Miss Havisham, I have never had a single date-I get asked, just feel like a widow rather than a divorcee. Is he truly happy with his life and the sleazy people he associates with? I wonder if his mind is just gone like some of the homeless people. It is sad for our daughter. We have a nice home, a good life. No one knows where her father is. She alludes to the fact he is no longer with us, which most read as he is dead. I beat myself up thinking I could have done something to save him, but I don't think I could. I am angry at his parents for paying all his drug debts and lawyers and expenses and enabling him to continue. I want to go on. I don't know how. Our daughter hates him, hasn't spoken to him in nearly 8 years. Well deserved, I guess. He just upsets me (and her) so very much. He seems to take pleasure in his occasional messages telling me about the drugs he is using, creepy people he is friends with, etc. I hope you can find a question in here by reading between the lines. I left, thought he would quit out of love for us. He loved the drinking and drugs more. I am on 150 mgs zoloft each day as is. I need help.

Answer
Hi Jane-
My heart certainly goes out to you.
If there was ever a case of 'time to move on' yours is it.
There's no way to make him want to stop and return to his former life. If he wanted to change his life more than maintain his current lifestyle- we would have some thing to build on and even this would be a arduous, challanging road. I see nothing to build on. Time to help yourself Jane.

I have a wish for you- go out and buy 'Everyday Enlightenment' by Dan Millman. I too was on Zoloft- but after getting into Millman I saw no need to take any anti-deppresent chemical. I'm not telling you to stop your Zoloft- but I am asking you to get the book. Read it from the begining slowly.
Best of luck to you, your daughter and your ex.

Feel free to contact me at any time,
Daniel Toth

Addiction to Drugs

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Daniel A. Toth

Expertise

Any questions related to: drug abuse,recovery and opiate withdrawal. Friends and family questions are also welcomed- however there's very little I can suggest if the person has no willingness to change.I will only answer NON- PRIVATE questions as my objective is to help as many people as possible- use a fake name. PLEASE DO NOT SUBMIT QUESTIONS REGARDING DRUG TESTS OR HOW LONG YOUR DOPE WILL STAY IN YOUR SYSTEM! My energy is directed at those wishing to stop self destructing.

Experience

Fourteen years active addiction;Eleven years to cocaine and heroin.
I've used every drug I've known about except PCP Any comments are from personal experiance, and do not necesarily reflect any programs.
SEE UPDATE AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS STORY! This was for an article in a teen magazine hence the youth perspective: I was a good kid. A diligent student with a 3.5 GPA through 9th grade. Now I was somewhat shy and didn't have a lot of friends. I discovered that by smoking weed I had instant friends. It was great at the time. All of a sudden I knew all these people, was getting invited to parties- hanging out after school getting high. Pretty soon getting high at lunch and even before school and then ditching school all together. In the beginning it was the social activity, not the "high" that was the major attraction. I just knew I would stop smoking it soon, perhaps after I got a cool girlfriend. Well then I started really enjoying the high- Having a bad day? Forget about in and get stoned. The parents getting on my case? Forget about it and get stoned. This girl I really like doesn't know I exist, better just get stoned. I found a way to great way to cope with all my problems. Well my grades started dropping, my hobbies such as all ocean activities and sports where only done high and then slowly not at all. Nothing was "cool" or important except getting high. With or without my friends. Then I was introduced to Meth or "crystal" Would I have considered it if not for my weed habit? Of course not. Plus I am just going to try it this one time. Wow! Now I could easily talk to girls. In fact I could talk and talk for hours to anyone about anything. And you know I'm one cool, smooth dude. Man I feel good. Then after it wore off I would struggle with depression and smoke a lot of weed until I got more meth. Now high school was over. I had no ambition for college but I did work in the family business. I still could hold a job with these habits. Now a friend tells me about this drug (heroin) that is just like pot except there’s no "burn out" He doesn't address it as heroin but a harmless sounding slang name. I observe him and his friends smoking this brown powder for months. They seem to be having a good time. They don't die. In fact there having more fun than I am. I wanted to try it. Just once, too see what it feels like. I would never try it again. Again it was the new friends at first and then the drug that became the major attraction. But it was o.k. because I'm going to never smoke it again after this next time. Oops, I did it again. O.K. but next week I'm going to quit for sure! Now the heroin made me feel nice, but the cocaine smoking was awesome. Plus no crash because I'll just smoke a little heroin. Before too long I was injecting a cocaine and heroin solution (speedball) into my veins as often as I could. Working did not accommodate my lifestyle. How could I work anyway in heroin withdrawal? I had to get some dope! Let’s see, my family has disowned me, I've sold everything I ever had. I've robbed every friend or family member than I had contact with. What am I going to do? Some how I got my fix every day. Not once but three or four times average. But it was still o.k. because I'm going to quit, maybe even tomorrow after I get high. I went for years thinking this way. I've been arrested many times. I even admitted myself many times to detox to get over the addiction but found myself planning my next high before I even left. I just couldn't cope with life. I didn't know how. But that won't matter, as soon as I get my fix everything will be alright. And it was..., for a little while. At this point I had long stopped kidding myself. I knew I was a hopeless addict. In fact three of my close friends overdosed and died. Another got sent to prison for years, and none of these guys did anything I didn't do. I knew I was on a dead end course to jails, institutions or death. I would put myself into one recovery home after another only to leave to get high. Why? I wasn't ready to admit I was completely powerless over my addiction and my life had become unmanageable. Only after I completely surrendered was I ready to listen to suggestions from the wonderful people in Narcotics Anonymous. (twelve step program) Today I enjoy many blessings of recovery. I have a wonderful family that loves and trusts me. I work every day, pay bills, support myself and even help others where I can. I love to travel and do as I can afford to. I still have problems but today I don't escape with artificial substances. I have learned coping skills, and realize that life isn't always wonderful but it could be a heck of a lot worse. I don't want to wake up one day an old man, and wonder what I could have been. I'm going to find out! You see, I'm one of the lucky ones and am extremely grateful for that. UPDATE 5/24/2005: Relapsed with painkillers about one year ago, and have been struggling since. I have about 30 days clean as of today 5/24. It's no big mystery/shocker. I stopped doing what I needed to do (program) and made a stupid decision. A couple vicodins woke up the dragon. I'll be ok if I do what I did to get the five yrs. Good luck to all of us! 2/14/06 Doing really well today (one day at a time). I also went through and am still very much going through the most difficult thing I ever have without using any drugs. Not hiding from emotional pain today by artificial means but rather accepting my emotions as natural and moving forward. I'm focusing today on not denying my emotions but acting constructively despite. I realize today that any artificial numbing may help in escaping short term pain but then complete facilitate suffering. Today I recognize my self destructive habits.

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