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Addiction to Drugs/How Do I Help Someone I Love?

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Expert: - 11/8/2004


Question
I have a boyfriend whom I live with.  We've been together nine months and have lived together most of that time.  He is an addict.  He's addicted to cocaine and crack cocaine.  He also chain smokes cigarettes and is a social drinker.
I love him very much.  When I first started dating him, he told me about his problem, but he told me that it was in the past.  That he was a recovering addict.  I believed him.  He's very charming and very believable.  He's very put together, handsome, well-dressed, intelligent, witty.  You would never know by looking at him that he has this problem.
After I fell in love with him, he started to open up more.  I found out that he'd been arrested 5 times in the past.  His parents are wealthy, so they always had good lawyers and he was never convicted.  He told me stories about his visits to crack houses.  About the time he was assaulted by an addict with a knife - he still has the scar.  He'd been in rehab centers 3-4 times.  He went to meetings here and there.
But he told me it was all in the past.  He told me he could still drink and smoke pot every once in a while b/c he didn't have a problem with that.  It was only the heavier drugs.  He told me he didn't need to go to meetings b/c they weren't for him.  He wasn't like those other addicts.  He felt good and was strong and could handle it.
But then, his work fell apart.  I came to discover that he hadn't held a steady job in two years.  He was supported by a previous girlfriend and then he lived with a friend.  He was working with his friend, but they had a falling out and he quit and then I started supporting him.  In nine months, he has had four jobs.  He can't hold a job.  Also, things start disappearing from the house - his valuables - his golf clubs, his watch, his laptops, my playstation.  Pawn shops.  So, from the few jobs he did hold, when paychecks came in, they had to go to the pawn shops to retrieve the valuables.  "But this was the last time," he promised.  He was just depressed, but now he's fine, he'd tell me.  But then it would happen again and again.  I've known about five relapses in the last nine months.  There may be more that I'm not aware of.  He only confessed to one.  The others I found out about because of items missing.  I also found a crackpipe in the house once and a drug dealers' business card.

So, what now?  Well, I just found out today that he used this weekend while I was out of town on business.  I had to torture it out of him (don't worry - not literally) - it wasn't a voluntary confession.  I just caught him in a lie and he couldn't get out of it this time.  So, I told him he needed help and I asked him if he wanted help.  He said, "Yes.  I want help."  So, what do I do?  Enroll him in a program?  Get him to go to meetings 3 times a week and see a counselor?  Drug test him?  Am I forcing his hand?  Because I know he has to really want to do it.  I can't change him.  I just really want to help him and I don't even know how to go about it.
Also, the last time he used, I told him that it had to be the last time.  That he couldn't live with me if he used again.  Now, should I follow through on my word and kick him out?  His parents will take him in, so he won't be on the street, but I still feel as if I'm abandonning him.  But then again, will he think he can get away with it if I let him stay?  I feel like I am enabling him by letting him get away with it, and supporting him financially.   Do you think it will be better for him to make him leave and do it on his own?

I'm very confused because at the end of it all and despite his disease, I love him with all my heart.

Please help,
Kelly

Answer
Sorry for the long delay Kelly, I was supposed to be on vacation status.
Tough love is the only way. You said you were going to kick him out so do it. Believe me it's only going to get worse. All addicts need to reach a bottom. Him losing you and your support will be the best thing for him.
Good luck to both of you,
Daniel

Addiction to Drugs

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Daniel A. Toth

Expertise

Any questions related to: drug abuse,recovery and opiate withdrawal. Friends and family questions are also welcomed- however there's very little I can suggest if the person has no willingness to change.I will only answer NON- PRIVATE questions as my objective is to help as many people as possible- use a fake name. PLEASE DO NOT SUBMIT QUESTIONS REGARDING DRUG TESTS OR HOW LONG YOUR DOPE WILL STAY IN YOUR SYSTEM! My energy is directed at those wishing to stop self destructing.

Experience

Fourteen years active addiction;Eleven years to cocaine and heroin.
I've used every drug I've known about except PCP Any comments are from personal experiance, and do not necesarily reflect any programs.
SEE UPDATE AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS STORY! This was for an article in a teen magazine hence the youth perspective: I was a good kid. A diligent student with a 3.5 GPA through 9th grade. Now I was somewhat shy and didn't have a lot of friends. I discovered that by smoking weed I had instant friends. It was great at the time. All of a sudden I knew all these people, was getting invited to parties- hanging out after school getting high. Pretty soon getting high at lunch and even before school and then ditching school all together. In the beginning it was the social activity, not the "high" that was the major attraction. I just knew I would stop smoking it soon, perhaps after I got a cool girlfriend. Well then I started really enjoying the high- Having a bad day? Forget about in and get stoned. The parents getting on my case? Forget about it and get stoned. This girl I really like doesn't know I exist, better just get stoned. I found a way to great way to cope with all my problems. Well my grades started dropping, my hobbies such as all ocean activities and sports where only done high and then slowly not at all. Nothing was "cool" or important except getting high. With or without my friends. Then I was introduced to Meth or "crystal" Would I have considered it if not for my weed habit? Of course not. Plus I am just going to try it this one time. Wow! Now I could easily talk to girls. In fact I could talk and talk for hours to anyone about anything. And you know I'm one cool, smooth dude. Man I feel good. Then after it wore off I would struggle with depression and smoke a lot of weed until I got more meth. Now high school was over. I had no ambition for college but I did work in the family business. I still could hold a job with these habits. Now a friend tells me about this drug (heroin) that is just like pot except there’s no "burn out" He doesn't address it as heroin but a harmless sounding slang name. I observe him and his friends smoking this brown powder for months. They seem to be having a good time. They don't die. In fact there having more fun than I am. I wanted to try it. Just once, too see what it feels like. I would never try it again. Again it was the new friends at first and then the drug that became the major attraction. But it was o.k. because I'm going to never smoke it again after this next time. Oops, I did it again. O.K. but next week I'm going to quit for sure! Now the heroin made me feel nice, but the cocaine smoking was awesome. Plus no crash because I'll just smoke a little heroin. Before too long I was injecting a cocaine and heroin solution (speedball) into my veins as often as I could. Working did not accommodate my lifestyle. How could I work anyway in heroin withdrawal? I had to get some dope! Let’s see, my family has disowned me, I've sold everything I ever had. I've robbed every friend or family member than I had contact with. What am I going to do? Some how I got my fix every day. Not once but three or four times average. But it was still o.k. because I'm going to quit, maybe even tomorrow after I get high. I went for years thinking this way. I've been arrested many times. I even admitted myself many times to detox to get over the addiction but found myself planning my next high before I even left. I just couldn't cope with life. I didn't know how. But that won't matter, as soon as I get my fix everything will be alright. And it was..., for a little while. At this point I had long stopped kidding myself. I knew I was a hopeless addict. In fact three of my close friends overdosed and died. Another got sent to prison for years, and none of these guys did anything I didn't do. I knew I was on a dead end course to jails, institutions or death. I would put myself into one recovery home after another only to leave to get high. Why? I wasn't ready to admit I was completely powerless over my addiction and my life had become unmanageable. Only after I completely surrendered was I ready to listen to suggestions from the wonderful people in Narcotics Anonymous. (twelve step program) Today I enjoy many blessings of recovery. I have a wonderful family that loves and trusts me. I work every day, pay bills, support myself and even help others where I can. I love to travel and do as I can afford to. I still have problems but today I don't escape with artificial substances. I have learned coping skills, and realize that life isn't always wonderful but it could be a heck of a lot worse. I don't want to wake up one day an old man, and wonder what I could have been. I'm going to find out! You see, I'm one of the lucky ones and am extremely grateful for that. UPDATE 5/24/2005: Relapsed with painkillers about one year ago, and have been struggling since. I have about 30 days clean as of today 5/24. It's no big mystery/shocker. I stopped doing what I needed to do (program) and made a stupid decision. A couple vicodins woke up the dragon. I'll be ok if I do what I did to get the five yrs. Good luck to all of us! 2/14/06 Doing really well today (one day at a time). I also went through and am still very much going through the most difficult thing I ever have without using any drugs. Not hiding from emotional pain today by artificial means but rather accepting my emotions as natural and moving forward. I'm focusing today on not denying my emotions but acting constructively despite. I realize today that any artificial numbing may help in escaping short term pain but then complete facilitate suffering. Today I recognize my self destructive habits.

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