Expert: Walt - 4/2/2005

Question
Hi! I spoke with my friend yesturday and told her how worried I am about her. I asked what she was doing and she said nothing. I told her the things that people are saying, that she is smoking crack and shooting herion. She denied everything that I heard. She told me to get a drug test and she would take it. I went and bought one and called her to tell  her i was coming down and she picked up the phone and hung up without saying anything. She has lost dramatic weight, and I brought this to her attention. She is blaming this on stress. What she did say to me that makes me think that she will never admit to using is that she doesn't want to live anymore! I told her that she should go and talk with someone and try to get some help. She has a 4 year old son that needs her. We are both in our twenties and have been friends since we were in the 5th grade. Never before has she ever said that she couldn't talk to me about anything. Now yesturday she is saying she's not going to just pick up the phone and pour all her problems out on me. And i told her that that is crazy and she knows no matter what she can always call me. I told her i dont care if you did the worse thing ever and sold your son for drugs and were living on the street, that I would still be there for her! She hasn't amitted anything to me and swears she is not on drugs. But I don't believe her. I do pray to God everyday for her and other people that have drug problems that I know, but only time will tell. Till then is there anything else that I can do for her, besides just wait. Maybe if I show her a picture of herself she will realize how bad she looks. I'm at my witts end, and she really hurt me by saying that she can't call me and talk to me. Anyone who knows me knows that they can call me and i will drop everything to help my friends. Yesturday I wanted to just forget that I've ever been friends with her and not put myself threw all this stress for someone who doesn't even consider me her friend. But I know that I can't just put it out of my mind like that. I don't know what else to do. Any advice I will take. Thanks for listening. Tara

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Followup To
Question -
Hi! I have this friend that is using herione and maybe smoking crack too. I'm not in her life everyday but i always talk to her on the phone. Just recently i seen her and she is so unbelievble skinny. I went to give her a hug and i felt her spine. She says that she is just stressed out, but she looked horrible. I dont know really anything about drugs except the fact that they screw up alot of people i loved lives. Anyway to my question. She wont return any of my phone calls and I just wanted to know if there is anything that you can do to help someone in this situation. Should i go to her house and try to talk to her, since she wont answer my phone calls? Do people who do herione ever get clean? How many times do they usually have to go threw withdraw? I know everyone is different and so is there drug addictions but, is it practical to say once a herione addict always a herione addict. Isn't it true its a life long addiction? I just feel so bad that i can't do anything to help her. I've lost a lot of friends to death and i just dont want to lose another one. She is a life long friend that i truely look at as a sister. Anything to help, I really appreciate it! Thanks Tara
Answer -
Tara,

Thanks for writing.  I am sorry you are going through this frightening ordeal with your friend.

I am even more sorry for your friend.

The short answer to all of your questions is there is almost never any hope for an addict unless the addict themselves seeks help.

Even then less than ten percent actually get clean or sober and stay that way.

There are two things you can do for your friend, possibly three.  First, drop her a note and let her know you are 'there for her', and will be, if she ever needs you.  Sometimes that works, even though it may be months or years aftr the note is received.

One word of caution, however.  If she calls you with requests for money....no matter what the reason, do NOT give her money.  If she needs food, or medical attention, etc., it is o.k. to help in that way, if you can.

The second thing is to share your fears and thoughts with any of her friends or family you might know.  You will not be 'telling tales', or spreading gossip.  You may just start events that could save her life, Tara.

The third may sound corny to you.  If you have any belief in a Higher Power of any sort, pray for your friend.  She is going to need all the help she can get.

I have been to the funerals of more people than I can remember, Tara.  At one time or another each of these people was involved in trying to recover.

Addictrion is an equal opportunity killer, Tara.  These people were of both sexes, all ages, and all walks of life.  They were nice people, when they were not using or drunk.  They loved, and were loved.

In the end, the drug of their choice led them into an addiction that took their life.

Thanks again for writing.  Please take care of yourself, and write again to let me know how both of you are doing.  I care.

...walt

Answer
Tara,

Thanks for writing again, and for the additional information.  It throws a lot more light on the problem, and makes me even more aware of how painful this is for you.

Please don't take the unkind rudeness of your friend personally, Tara.  She is not herself, in more ways than just her physical appearance.  I am sure you can realisze this, if you just look past the personal pain of her unkind words and actions.

It is clear to me, just from your two wmail messages, you are a caring and warm person.  You seem to be an excellent friend, also.  Your friend is lucky to have you in her life.  She just does not realize it now because of whatever is going on within her.

She has many of the signs of an addict, and this could well be the problem.  Only a good physical examination would confirm drug abuse.  A blood or urine test might also provide a lot more information.

Despite what she says, she would NOT go for a test, if you called her bluff.  The closer you get to discovering her 'secret', the more she will draw away from you, or become abussive, hoping to 'scare' you away.

I am worried about the welfare of the four year old child, Tara.  Please tell other people what you have told me.  Even if your friend is NOT using drugs, there is somkething very wrong with her.  I would hate, and so would you, to see harm come to this little child.

In the Human Services section in the back of your telephone book are listings for addiction services.  You may be able to get a lot more information, and even some helpful suggestions, from a local professional.

If nothing else, you will probably feel a little better if you could talk face to face with someone who knows what you are going through.

Please hang in there, Tara.  I'll remember both of you in my prayers.

...walt