Expert: Crystal - 5/21/2007

Question
QUESTION: My husband is on drugs. It all started when he lost his job and had a work related injury. He was not able to receive unemployment,could barely work, and became depressed from current problems and past debt. I noticed at the beginning of 2005 he was overdrawing my bank account regularly, asking for our extra money , staying up all night, pawning appliances,and smoking cigarettes alone. He first told me October of 2005 that he tried cocaine with marijuana.  He has been to a detox program and was fine until a death in the family. He says he does has not used cocaine in several weeks, but has used marijuana,but his actions show the same behavior pattern of cocaine use. I'm so tired and lost. I have prayed and have told him I will leave it he does not get help. He says I am nagging him when he keeps losing jobs, quitting jobs, and still smoking weed. He is so hard to live with, talk to,I am exhausted,what must I do?



ANSWER: AW,

Was he close to the family member who passed away?
I put two different options in here for you.

Losing someone in your family that you are close to can absolutely trigger a relapse, especially if you are not using the resources out there to maintain sobriety. Let him know that you are trying to understand where he is right now and that you want to help him get through this but he has to let you in. Tell him that maybe he needs to take some time to heal and that going to maybe an AA meeting or a counselor will help him. Offer rehab again. If that doesn't work or he is combative go with the other option below.

If you truly believe he is using again then I would call him on it and be direct. If you can't handle it I would tell him, " I love you and I feel that you are using again, I feel like I can't help you or you won't let me help you so either you need to let me in or you have to move out". It is not fair to you to have to go through what he is going through and you can only handle so much. Offer to take him to rehab and if he denys you then tell him that he needs to move out until he wants help because you are hurting inside seeing him like this everyday and you feel like you are the one who is using. It is the unfortunate curse of loving someone who is an addict, you tend to go through what they are going through and you feel drained, lost, sad, guilty, angry, mad and just plain empty. It sucks I know but you deserve to feel ok again and I know you love him but sometimes tough love it what it takes.
There are options,.
You need to go to alanon to heal yourself and get out of the cloud that he had placed over your life. Maybe if you help YOU then you will be able to understand that this is not your fault.
I hope that this helps but if I haven't answered your question or you have other questions please let me know and take care. Good luck.



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: It was his father that died. What services would alanon provide? He was drunk and high this weekend. He sold an old tv and radio (drug user behavior). I saw white hard residue in my car and he says I don't know what that is. He tells me if I would forgive every week and move on and stop nagging him about money he needs to support his habit, I would not trigger him to use (He just lost another job). I can't live like this anymore. I just need resolution. Thanks for you good advice.  

Answer
AW,
You are not the one who is triggering him to use, you are just in a way his sponge for the blame and lets him focus on someone else besides himself. He is probably running from either feelings of hurt that he lost his dad and loved him so much that he doesn't want to face it or he is running from old bad memories because he can't fix or address them now because dad is gone. Either way he is going to need a therapist to help him through whatever it is so he can stop running. But he needs to stop running long enough to realize this.
The Alanon is for you so that you can heal some of what you have endured and keep enduring mentally. Living with an addict is one of the hardest things to do and you feel angry and resentful, confused, sad and just about every other feeling that your husband is running from.
What do you feel like you need to do to get out of this situation? Are you comfortable with giving him an ultimatum or do you feel like you are trapped? Do you have family and/or friends that you both trust that would be willing to come over and help you do an intervention with him? Meaning, sit down with him and in a non-threatening way let him know that you love him and know that he needs help, offer to take him to rehab and see where it goes. If he denies or says he doesn't want rehab then you need to follow what your gut and heart are telling you.
Sometimes they have to hit bottom before they realize that they really need help and can't do it alone,.and to stop using you have to face what you are so desperately running from. It is as hard for them as it is for us to live with them and watch them like this.
Make sense?