Expert: Crystal - 12/8/2007

Question
I was wondering if you might be able to help me understand the effects of opiate withdrawal, as related to the initial and post addiction withdrawal syndrome.

I have been dating a man for 3 months who confided he had been to rehab for opiate abuse twice. Basically his long term marriage ended and now it seems he felt treating his stomach issues with Darvocet was ok because he had the tools to handle just taking two each day as opposed to the 15-20 he took when addicted.

I am not an addict, but have come off off two different types of antidepressants that mimicked the withdrawal symptoms of many drug withdrawals.

He took the Darvocet unbeknownst to me for a month. His personality was up and down and his sexual performance was non existant.  His moods were similar to an unmedicated rapid cycling bipolar.

I asked why he was taking Darv again after having been through rehab twice. He claims he took it for his stomach but claims he wouldnt become addicted to it again because he was in control this time. Something told me this is an addict's excuse.

When his sexual performance slid off the worst it could be charts, he said he was going off the darvo. Off he did.

A week from hell insued. His diagnosed depression re emerged to rapid cycling and flatness during withdrawal. His moods were flat, bored, uninterested. Classical deep clinical depression.

After babying him and treating him with kid drugs it dawned on me he was using darvo for over a month and this was not depression due to biochemical changes of his own body, but darvocet withdrawal induced changes.

After the week from hell he confided he was sick from coming off the two pill a day darvocet and didnt feel much of anything. Unhappy, not interested in anything...didnt care if he saw me or not, didnt want to play in a new band that offered him a nice spot...nothing. Didnt care about his child or seeing her (he is divorced) or the fact that her mom was taking her to live in a different state. He was apathetic and indifferent.

Later I noticed he improved as he switched to a different antidepressant - almost instantaneously. He woke up one day saying he felt like he was back...only to fall back on some peaks and valleys. He begged me to give him a chance and not give up hope on him. I promised not to but at one point I almost did because it was causing me to fall into depression and not be there for my kids during the holidays. I was consumed with him and his problems.

He used to tell me how much he loved me, wanted to marry me (yes, already) and wanted us to combine our familes. Now he doesnt talk about it anymore. The little comments he would email me have become cut n paste bull that is unlike his old words. He even took down a picture of us both he had had on his webpage, replacing it with one of his own of just himself. He said if he was going to be in a new group, he didnt need our picture on the page. I was hurt and expressed this to him. He replied with anger and blame. This is day 8 in withdrawal. He yelled at me, didnt call me all morning and when he did call it was late afternoon. He was pissed because I was hurt.

He blamed me for just about everything that has gone bad with us...The sad thing is - I had been en route to pick up my 17 yr old son from work when he was yelling this into my phone. I had to hang up on him because my son could hear him yelling and started to tear up.

I called him back once I dropped my son off at home.

I had no idea our relatiomnship  had been that bad in his eyes. He screamed at me, told me it was over and to F off and never talk to him again, that he was breaking up with me and to go F myself. He also blamed me for his being kicked out of a band he was in. I had nothing to do with it. One of the members found a bunch of pills for asthma that he had left around. The number was astounding. later I learned he was taking those to up his mood. But it was me he ultimately blamed for being depressed wich led to the use of darvocet again.

Later I called the BF tellling him my son was in tears and I had to hang up because he was distraught. He yelled at me some more and yet I listened.

He apologized over and over and I said the only way I will see him is if he goes to counseling and I go with him if need be. He had to learn how to handle depression and be properly diagnosed once all the drugs had left his system.

He agreed.

To me, he seems so selfish and inconsiderate by yelling when he should not be. He never reads the poems I sent him to help him know I love him and care. He doesnt care how hard it is to sit here and witness this destruction and abuse of my character. Im not by any means an easy ride, buit I love and care passionately...something he said he was attracted to.


How long will this continue? Is there such a phenomenon of PAW? Post acute withdrawal? Will he always be like this? Will he recover or relapse? Am I wasting my time being torn apart by a man who feels no one can love him and cant recognize when someone actually DOES?

I have been extremely ill with the flu and worn out both physically and emotionally. I miss the guy I met. if he hated me so much and was sober when we first met, what is his problem now? Why does he blame me for all that has gone wrong? Is it because I called him out on his problem? Is it because he really thinks I am a bitch?

Answer
Candy,
I can't really say why this all happening because I don't know him personally. I can tell you that addiction is a vicious cycle that eats all types of people when they least expect it and unfortunately it doesn't stop with just the one who is suffering from the addiction, it takes its toll on those who are closest to them. I would suggest that you find an alanon meeting close to you that you can attend and get the support outside to help you decide what you should do. Always remember to put your children and your family first and don't allow someone else's addiction to control you and your emotions as well as your children's. You did the right thing by hanging up on him too out of respect and for your son.
If you haven't been with this man for very long it may be better for you in the long run to cut your ties and move on. You can't help someone who doesn't want help. Make sense?
I wouldn't spend so much time trying to figure out where he is on his withdrawal because chances are he isn't being honest, people hide from themselves when they use and hiding from you is part of that.
On the legal side, I wouldn't be giving him anyone else's medication, not only because it is illegal but because it is dangerous. If he needs something like that he needs to be seen by a doctor. Also, withdrawal causes those effects and can mimic a lot of different mood disorders and depression is one those things they tend to go through with withdrawal and for awhile afterwards because the brain chemistry is changing and trying to adjust to the removal of the substance from the body.