Expert: Daniel A. Toth - 10/26/2007

Question
My husband has been in doing drugs for 12 years we are a fairly young he is 28 and I am 21 we have been toghether for almost 4 years now we got married on february
14 valentines day of this year. For 8 years of his life he had a very hard heroin addiction,he also did crack cocaine and powder cocaine  but hes drug of choice has always been heroin he had been in and out of jail  and rehabs, but him and his family tells me he always went back he stole from his own parents a couple times and everything. The night he met me he had quit cold turkey mainly because he had no choice he was in jail, so he didn't do heroin the hole time he was in jail which I belive it was 6 month at least the night he met me an officer took him to a re-habb inpatient he was supposed to stay there for another 6 months I think, it was part of his sentence after that he was supposed to be free. He was very depressed he started thinking about the people that had passed away in the time he spent in jai like his grandfather that he didn't get to go to his funeral, He decided that he was going to kill himself he was going to barrow money from a friend and he was going to get as much heroin as possible and shoot it all at the same time therefor causing him to have an overdose and die. So he got dropped out at the facility and he walked out threw the back door and got in a buss that took him to NYACK NY I have no idea why he chose NYACK to call his friend to barrow money but there is where we met, I was going to college at the time over there and I walk to the square and sat down and he was talking to his friend on the phone when we met he came sat next to me and we started speaking and we have been toghether ever since that night he met me he did not get high that night and he hasn't done heroin ever since we are just about 4 years together and he has not done heroin. which is an accomplishment but then he does sometimes other stuff like crack, he would be fine for about 2 months and then he disappears for like 3 days and then he comes home again and apologizes and he said he is trying to stop and he is trying to get better and sometimes he just has this crazy ideas he would be want to go out for a drink and most of the time I sai no and we have fights but sometimes I do give in and we go and he tell me things like his fantasy or one of his fantacys are that he wants to get high with me, and when I get upset he tells me that I am overreacting that is just a fantasy and is just something that he wants to do that is never going to happen. He tells me that im too toughs with him and  when I tell him that I wish he would go to some type of out patient program he said he's been to them and they never help so he said ok to psychologist but I feel like I make all the effort I have too look for a psychologist and I have call every body and they are not taking any new patients or they take care of older people onley so I am still actively looking for a psychologist now. My husband is very smart he is actively going to school and he gets really good grades 95 or better. He is also very caring ,handsome and charming. And I love him very very much but It hurts me every time he leaves on his escapades and leaves our son and I for drugs for 3 days when he is home he is a great father and everything. My question to you is how can I help my husband come  out of this completely and how do I understand him?,How can I make him understand what he is doing to us is killing us and most importantly is killing himself? I am new at this I have never gone threw this before and I an running out of Ideas. please help us!!!!


Raquel,

Answer
Hi Raquel,

I'm sorry you're going through this you sound like a great person.
So it sounds like part of the time he's a great person and then part of the time he's "killing us and most importantly is killing himself". Nothing unique about this Raquel, I hear it all the time in fact I lived it.
So you'd like him to "come  out of this completely". This is completely reasonable afterall you love him, he's your husband and the father of your baby. What you need to accept is that he's an addict.You married an addict and further more you married an addict that's not ready to quit. Unfortunately there's not much you can do Raquel. In fact there's not much I can do either and as you know I've been in his shoes. He's the only one that can do this and in order for our "help" to have any effect he has to maintain an attitude of complete willingness to do anything necessary in order to stay clean. He's not there. He apparently has stayed off the heroin. That's good but it appears it's for the sake of the marriage in fact if your stories accurate he only didn't kill himself because he met you. He has to quit for himself- not for you or the marriage- it's the only way it will work long term. All marriages have turbulence. If you quit for yourself- you don't have to worry about outside influences.
Raquel- you have to accept that this guy, the father of your baby and the man you love does not want to quit bad enough. You married a guy that has serious issues. You marrying him and showering him with love did not cure him. The revelation to you about his "fantasy" indicates not only is he an addict but he's very immature and extremely selfish. However Raquel YOU married him. It's the oldest story in the book Raquel. You gave yourself to someone that is all screwed up. I myself met a woman who showered me with love while I was struggling. I blossomed under that love but I had quit for another. After a big fight I used some pills. Only a couple times but it was enough. It's hidden in the story in my profile. She left me because she could no longer trust me- I was crushed. The good news is I quit again- this time for myself. Addicts don't quit until they reach a bottom. Even though I have another fairly lengthy stretch of time with no drugs a part of my brain (a neural pathway) will always remember the euphoria and complete release the dope offers. It will strike again it always does. There are tools I have. I have to accept I will never be 100% cured but I do know that when that inevitable time comes if I use my tools I don't have to pick up any dope and the temptation will pass. I can't forget ever- sometimes years pass and it's so easy to believe I have transcended this. No...my brain has that memory.
Raquel- Millions of spouses do what you did. Maybe it's not drugs but anger issues, gambling, a violent nature etc. People change yes and sometimes they don't. After four years of marriage and a child your man right now wants to get high with you.
People ruin their lives living in misery. But remember you picked him. If you leave him you will be doing the best thing you can for him as it will help him get to his "bottom". If he kills himself HE killed himself. You did the smartest thing for both of you. In fact right now in your words he's "killing" you anyway.
Go to Alanon. Find them on your search engine. Tell them what you told me.

I wish you and him the best,
Daniel