Expert: Charles I. - 10/3/2007

Question
QUESTION: I have a long question for you. Please help. My fiance is addicted to crack cocaine and has been since before I met him. We have been together for over 2 years now and for the first 3-4 months I didn't know. I found out and tried to help him as it got worse. he told me that he robs people and will go to drug dealers, ask for the dope and pretend like he is going to pay and then snatch it and drive off. He's been shot at and has had his windsheild busted and has had people lokking for him. I got him into a rehab program in West Palm Beach called Palm Beach Institute that was suppose to be elite. He did the 30 day program, went to the halfway house and while in the halfway house he did drugs again twice. He's home now, has job and everytime he gets paid he spends all his money the same night (about $600-$700) on drugs. He's gone for about 12 hrs. He basically works to do drugs and can not pay his bills which I end up paying and can not take of his son which his parents take care of. After he does it he says hes sorry and he doesn't want to be like this and he wants to stop. I feel lost because hes done rehab and it didn't work and he's on his way back to doing it every other day. That is what made me put him in rehab. He lost his previous job and was doing it every other day. Since rehab didn't work I feel there is no other option, what do I do. I love him and I try to help everyway I can, but it makes me physically sick form the worry that he may be dead and the worry that there is no hope for him. Help me please.

ANSWER: Hi and thanks for your question. Your fiance has a severe problem and more than likely things are not going to change overnight. As always, he has to want to change before change will ever occur. Sure he says he wants to change, but remember the cliche "Actions speak louder than words." From what you described he talks a good story but doesn't back it up with really actively working on his problem. Most addicts are master manipulators and your fiance doesn't sound much different...he'll say or do whatever he has to to keep from facing reality.
I know that what I'm saying sounds harsh, but look at the truth: There is only one thing that your fiance truly cares about...crack. This is proven by his disregard for his own safety and life (trust me, if he keeps ripping off the dopeman it's going to catch up with him), his unwillingness to care for his son and his inability to be an equal partner in your relationship.
OK, so he has been in rehab...I don't care how elite the facility is, if he isn't willing to work on his addiction on a daily basis, if not hourly basis, he is setting himself up for failure. Understand this, when someone completes rehab they are not magically cured...recovery is a life-long process. This process entails making serious life changes to help facilitate relapse prevention...if these changes aren't made (people, places and things) then their chance of a successful recovery is poor.
I wish I had the magic answer to cure his problem...but there isn't one. He has to want to recover before he has a chance at it. He's not suffering the consequences of his actions from what you described...you're paying his bills and his parents are taking responsibility for his son; all he has to spend his money on is dope. The only time he went to rehab is when YOU made him...he ultimately didn't go because HE wanted to. Do you see what's happening here? He's not taking responsibility for his actions or his life...everyone else is.
I know that you love this man, but unless he is willing to face reality and actually deal with his addiction...well, nothing is going to change. The best suggestion I can give is do not enable his addiction - I know you feel like you are helping him, but you can't be responsible for his life...he has to take charge.
I would also strongly recommend that you contact Al-Anon...there should be a group in your area. Each Al-Anon group has but one purpose: to help families and friends of alcoholics. I realize that your fiance's problem isn't alcohol, but understand an addiction is an addiction regardless of what the substance is. Al-Anon can be a wealth of support and advice to you during this difficult time. You can contact the Al-anon Headquarters at (757) 563-1600 or on the Internet at http://www.al-anon.alateen.org to find a group near you.
Addiction is a disease that progresses. Just like cancer, it will not go away by itself and if left untreated it will continue to progress until it consumes it's host.  I hope this is some help to you and if you have any further questions please don't hesitate contacting me.
Good Luck,
Charles

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I thank you so much for your reply. Everything you've told me I know and I am always in denial. I have told him before that I couldn't be with him anymore and he turns everything around on me and then I end up getting back with him. I love him and I know he's not doing this out of spite to me, he has a problem. But it is hard for me to watch him get behind onhis bills and everything so I help him. I don't know what to do, if I don't help him, he has such an anger problem that he scares me. Should I leave him or what? I mean your suppose to stick by your man and when times get ruff, stick it out, but how long do I put up with this and go for broke. I support 2 grown people, me and him. But then I go back and think the situation is kind of like the boy who cried wolf, he keeps sayin hes not gonna do it anymore and one day it will be true, and I want to be there for that. When he's not doing it he always says hes sorry and he doesn't want to be like this and he doesn't know why he can't stop, so I know he wantys to change, but as soon as he gets money in his hand, the urges start and he can't beat the urges.

Answer
Hi again. I can't tell you if you should leave him or not...only you can decide that. Are you willing to put up with the fear of him being killed in a bad dope deal? Are you willing to put up with his anger? Are you willing to put up with his not contributing to the household? Are you willing to take a back-seat to his using crack? Are you going to have children together? Are you willing to wait until he can finally address his demons? Will you still really care when he decides to get help? There's alot to consider in your ultimate decision as to what to do.
Please contact Al-Anon...you need to get support of your own. You need to be able to talk to others who have been where you are now. You need to hear what worked and what didn't work for other people. In addition, I would talk to his parents about what's going on...you need to have people who are important to him help you with this...that is if they haven't washed their hands of him already.
I'm sure he isn't doing this out of spite...he's just an addict. But understand for him to beat this it will take a lot of work on his part. I understand cocaine addiction really well...not just as a counselor, but as a cocaine addict. I can tell you it is a lot of work, and thirteen years later it still takes work on a daily basis. I think it is admirable that you want to help him regain his life back, but you can never work harder on his recovery than he does. Remember, you can't help save a drowning person if they aren't willing to grab the rope. Good Luck with whatever you choose.
Charles