Expert: Charles I. - 9/6/2007

Question
I have been with my fiance now for over a year. Before we got together he told me about his life and everything seemed great. I found out after 6 months that everything he had told me was a lie. I have been prescribed oxy-codone, endocet and hydro-morphone in the last year for a severe condition of my spine. Every time i get a prescription refilled the pills go missing. In the last 9 months more then 500 pills have disappeared from my home.
I threaten to throw him out and finally i did it. After a few days I let him come back and just didn't keep my medication in our house anymore. One afternoon I brought my meds home just until i could drop them at a friends place. I guess he noticed i had brought them home and waited until I was in the bathroom to steal more then 35 hydro-morphone tablets. Apparently he crushed them up and snorted them.
I don't know what to do. I love him and so does our daughter but he seems unwilling to help himself.

I need some help in trying to help him. I've asked him for the last 6 months to go to rehab and get help. He still hasn't gone. I'm worried because when he comes off his high from the pills he gets very mean and violent.
What should I do?

Answer
Hi Melissa, thanks for your question. The situation that you are in isn't very good. The man that you promised your heart to lied to you about his past so that you can't really make an informed decision if this is who you want to spend the rest of your life with. Then he is stealing your pain-medication and you can't even keep your meds in your own house. Although I'm not a relationship counselor, the big question to me is what do you trust this guy with? As far as his addiction is concerned he is exhibiting classic addictive behavior including getting "very mean and violent" when he's coming off his high or experiencing withdrawal. Unless he makes the decision to make some radical changes in his life and seek treatment (residential rehab or methadone treatment) the chances of him just quitting and becoming the loving husband you are hoping for is just not going to happen. No matter how bad you want him to get help he won't until it becomes just as important to him as it is to you. In fact, it should be even more important to him than you. I don't know if his family is aware of his opiate abuse, but if they are ask them if they would consider coming together with you for a family intervention. He needs to understand that his behavior is not going to be tolerated and that there will be consequences for his actions. It is important that when you make a decision, like putting him out of the house, that you stick to your guns and remain firm with your decision. You have a daughter that needs a nurturing and protective environment to grow up in...at this point she needs to be your first concern. I know that you love this man and want to believe that he is just going to change...but unless he wants to change it isn't going to happen. Addiction, just like most diseases, progresses and continues to become more and more severe unless it is treated. I wish there was an easy answer for you...but there isn't. You are probably going to have to make some difficult decisions about the future. Let your common-sense dictate what you need to do and be aware of not letting your emotions take over...since your fiance doesn't seem real interested in addressing his problem then you need to focus on the well-being of you and your daughter. Also, I would recommend trying to find out if there is an Al-Anon group near you. Each Al-Anon Group has one purpose: to help family and friends of alcoholics. I know that your fiance's problem is pain-pills but addiction is addiction regardless of what the substance is. Idealistically Narc-Anon would be right up your alley because it deals primarily with drug abuse, but they can be difficult to find because not all areas have them. If you do have one in your area this would be awesome, but if you don't then try to find Al-Anon because they could be a world of support and advise to you during this difficult time. You can check your local phone book to see if there are any listings for either one of them or you can find Al-Anon on the Internet at http://www.al-anon.alateen.org In addition you can reach Al-Anon's headquarters for more information (757) 563-1600. I wish the best for you and your daughter and if you have any other questions don't hesitate contacting me.
Good Luck,
Charles