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Addiction to Drugs/Am I helping or hindering his recovery

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Expert: - 11/25/2007


Question
My husband began using crack about 2.5 years ago (or so he tells me) and we separated a year ago. Since then I have continued to support him as a friend and have done numerous things to try and help. He initially moved to a hotel where things got much worst. Next he moved in with his sister and pulled the wool over their eyes for a while until I called them and explained what was happening. His next move was out of town to stay with a buddy (another user) where he tried to get a new life going. This was the only time we really lost touch (it was about 6 months). He then moved back down to his mom’s house and continued to use. By this time his family was much more aware of the signs and the family did an intervention. He was told rehab or they were not going to help him anymore. He went on his longest binge (about 5 days) and then returned to say he would go to a local 5 week rehab program. At this point I became involved again since he was still on my benefits and his treatment was covered. We became very close as he experienced the insight to his addiction. Since we had been together for 16 years, the things he was learning were very interesting to me and gave me a lot of understanding to why he was the way he was. He finished his 5 week program with one “hiccup” along the way and moved back to his mom’s. He found a job immediately and has been working for a week when he got his first pay yesterday… you guessed it… he’s gone again.

The other factor that may play into this is that I am back in a “long distance” relationship with my boyfriend prior to my husband. We began talking a few weeks after my separation and have now decided to pursue the relationship. I have been very upfront with my husband from the beginning so the news would not come as a shock from a third party. My husband says he is ok with it and is happy we have remained friends since so many addicts completely loose the support of their spouse. I am planning to move overseas in a couple of months and have just had him sign all the papers so I can file for divorce. I have been preparing him for the divorce since July.

It is obvious that my husband and I still love each other. In my case it is strictly as a friend and my objectives are to support him to happy and healthy. I am done with the life as an addicts wife and I think the addiction came partially as a way to cope with the stresses of our relationship.

My questions is… Is my involvement in his life hindering his chances of successfully overcoming his addiction? Some days I feel like he just needs an ear and since we are so close it is easiest for him to talk to me. Other days I feel that the thoughts of my new relationship and upcoming move may be torturing him since he is so dependant on our friendship. It was so hard make him leave initially, I think I have been trying to over compensate. He has so many great qualities and we have such a history, it rips me up every time he succumbs to his addiction. I am more emotional than I have ever been in my life and it is taking a toll on me too. I need to understand if this is just making it worst for us both or if I am actually helping.

In 6 weeks he has used twice (or so he says) which is much better than before.


Answer
Hi Cathy- It defiantly seems you have moved on emotionally from this marriage. If he hasn't- if he want's you back- dealing with those emotions with you available while battling the evil allure of crack cocaine is a tremendous load.
He has to start developing a support group anyway. His recovery in no way hinges on your involvement. I believe you've done more than most on your way out.

Best of luck to both of you,
Daniel

Addiction to Drugs

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Daniel A. Toth

Expertise

Any questions related to: drug abuse,recovery and opiate withdrawal. Friends and family questions are also welcomed- however there's very little I can suggest if the person has no willingness to change.I will only answer NON- PRIVATE questions as my objective is to help as many people as possible- use a fake name. PLEASE DO NOT SUBMIT QUESTIONS REGARDING DRUG TESTS OR HOW LONG YOUR DOPE WILL STAY IN YOUR SYSTEM! My energy is directed at those wishing to stop self destructing.

Experience

Fourteen years active addiction;Eleven years to cocaine and heroin.
I've used every drug I've known about except PCP Any comments are from personal experiance, and do not necesarily reflect any programs.
SEE UPDATE AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS STORY! This was for an article in a teen magazine hence the youth perspective: I was a good kid. A diligent student with a 3.5 GPA through 9th grade. Now I was somewhat shy and didn't have a lot of friends. I discovered that by smoking weed I had instant friends. It was great at the time. All of a sudden I knew all these people, was getting invited to parties- hanging out after school getting high. Pretty soon getting high at lunch and even before school and then ditching school all together. In the beginning it was the social activity, not the "high" that was the major attraction. I just knew I would stop smoking it soon, perhaps after I got a cool girlfriend. Well then I started really enjoying the high- Having a bad day? Forget about in and get stoned. The parents getting on my case? Forget about it and get stoned. This girl I really like doesn't know I exist, better just get stoned. I found a way to great way to cope with all my problems. Well my grades started dropping, my hobbies such as all ocean activities and sports where only done high and then slowly not at all. Nothing was "cool" or important except getting high. With or without my friends. Then I was introduced to Meth or "crystal" Would I have considered it if not for my weed habit? Of course not. Plus I am just going to try it this one time. Wow! Now I could easily talk to girls. In fact I could talk and talk for hours to anyone about anything. And you know I'm one cool, smooth dude. Man I feel good. Then after it wore off I would struggle with depression and smoke a lot of weed until I got more meth. Now high school was over. I had no ambition for college but I did work in the family business. I still could hold a job with these habits. Now a friend tells me about this drug (heroin) that is just like pot except there’s no "burn out" He doesn't address it as heroin but a harmless sounding slang name. I observe him and his friends smoking this brown powder for months. They seem to be having a good time. They don't die. In fact there having more fun than I am. I wanted to try it. Just once, too see what it feels like. I would never try it again. Again it was the new friends at first and then the drug that became the major attraction. But it was o.k. because I'm going to never smoke it again after this next time. Oops, I did it again. O.K. but next week I'm going to quit for sure! Now the heroin made me feel nice, but the cocaine smoking was awesome. Plus no crash because I'll just smoke a little heroin. Before too long I was injecting a cocaine and heroin solution (speedball) into my veins as often as I could. Working did not accommodate my lifestyle. How could I work anyway in heroin withdrawal? I had to get some dope! Let’s see, my family has disowned me, I've sold everything I ever had. I've robbed every friend or family member than I had contact with. What am I going to do? Some how I got my fix every day. Not once but three or four times average. But it was still o.k. because I'm going to quit, maybe even tomorrow after I get high. I went for years thinking this way. I've been arrested many times. I even admitted myself many times to detox to get over the addiction but found myself planning my next high before I even left. I just couldn't cope with life. I didn't know how. But that won't matter, as soon as I get my fix everything will be alright. And it was..., for a little while. At this point I had long stopped kidding myself. I knew I was a hopeless addict. In fact three of my close friends overdosed and died. Another got sent to prison for years, and none of these guys did anything I didn't do. I knew I was on a dead end course to jails, institutions or death. I would put myself into one recovery home after another only to leave to get high. Why? I wasn't ready to admit I was completely powerless over my addiction and my life had become unmanageable. Only after I completely surrendered was I ready to listen to suggestions from the wonderful people in Narcotics Anonymous. (twelve step program) Today I enjoy many blessings of recovery. I have a wonderful family that loves and trusts me. I work every day, pay bills, support myself and even help others where I can. I love to travel and do as I can afford to. I still have problems but today I don't escape with artificial substances. I have learned coping skills, and realize that life isn't always wonderful but it could be a heck of a lot worse. I don't want to wake up one day an old man, and wonder what I could have been. I'm going to find out! You see, I'm one of the lucky ones and am extremely grateful for that. UPDATE 5/24/2005: Relapsed with painkillers about one year ago, and have been struggling since. I have about 30 days clean as of today 5/24. It's no big mystery/shocker. I stopped doing what I needed to do (program) and made a stupid decision. A couple vicodins woke up the dragon. I'll be ok if I do what I did to get the five yrs. Good luck to all of us! 2/14/06 Doing really well today (one day at a time). I also went through and am still very much going through the most difficult thing I ever have without using any drugs. Not hiding from emotional pain today by artificial means but rather accepting my emotions as natural and moving forward. I'm focusing today on not denying my emotions but acting constructively despite. I realize today that any artificial numbing may help in escaping short term pain but then complete facilitate suffering. Today I recognize my self destructive habits.

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