Expert: Crystal - 12/1/2007

Question
QUESTION: I am so sad right now.  The man I love is not home because the past week he has been on and off crack.  I went to pick him up on Sunday, for he called and was ready to come off of his binge.  Instead of picking him up, I called the police on him.  Now he is at his parents and will not answer my calls.  I feel hurt and alone, I yearn for him even though he hurts me with his drug abuse which causes so many other problems.  I am afraid its over, why do I love a crack addict?  How do I not pick up the phone to call him?  I am ashamed to have another failing relationship.  We just had a child together and I have one from a previous relationship.  I need to move on, but it feels so hard.  I wish I never fell for him, please help me understand.

ANSWER: Jennifer,

There is nothing wrong with you because you love someone who has an addiction. You love someone and he has an addiction, unfortunately people either have addictive personalities or they don't, some of it is upbringing, some of it is make up of who we are. You aren't failing the relationship by choosing to not answer the phone, you are choosing to not be a part of his addiction which is perfectly ok and very hard to do, tough love is always hard. Your having a child with him just means that you have the best part of the relationship with you and that is ok, you have to love your children first, always put them first and love yourself enough to understand that life is what it is and refocus on where you want to be for the success and safety of yourself and your children. Everything else will fall into place but don't allow his addiction to control any part of you or your children's lives because then you will be failing yourself and your kids. It is ok to walk away with the mind set that you have to focus on those kids because if you don't you will fall down with him, don't because that you will regret I promise. You have not failed, you just need to regroup. Use it as a stepping stone for you to succeed.
It will be ok. Good luck.
Crystal


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: i keep trying to call him, but nothing, he won't talk to me, i was hoping to work it out with him but he says he wants to work on himself, i guess i'll just have to breathe through the pain of losing him

Answer
Jennifer,
Don't assume that you are losing him, alot of the process for the individual who suffers with the addiction is being alone for awhile, working on who they are today, accepting who they are and what they may or may not have become and trying to be somewhat who they were before this took over. Alot of times it is hard for the partner because they feel shameful, alone and lost without understanding and maybe you should attend an alanon meeting to achieve better understanding of where he may be right now in his head and what he could or could not be thinking. As humans we tend to think about the worst possible scenario and that is not what it is. I hope that you find the answer you are looking for and remember that all you can do right now is let him know how much you love him and how much the kids love and need their dad.
Take Care,
Crystal