Expert: Crystal - 7/9/2007

Question
My husband has had a drug problem for many years.  He is on and off so frequently it's hard to know the difference.  He's been in jail because of it.  He's put our family through hell.  Each time I get the same promise, "it's over and I'm going to change".  I've been waiting almost 15 years for that promise to be carried out.  He's now been out of the house for 4 days.  I didn't ask him to leave.  I asked him to get a job and see if he could borrow money from his family.  He left saying he'd be right back after getting money from his parents.  In the 4 days, he's not called at all.  I got through to him once only to be yelled at and called names.  My sons are very upset and I don't know what to tell them.  Any advice on where to go from here would be greatly appreciated.

Answer
Angela,
At this point you need to do what is best for you and your children. It is hard to move on but you have put in 15 probably very LONG years trying to get the results that you want but he has to want it as much as you do. You can't help someone unless they want help, does that make sense? You end up trying way harder then they do when they don't want it and what good does that do your mental well being or your children's. I imagine your kids have been through what you have been going thru because they love you and their dad it affects them equally and they need to know that it is not their fault and that they could not have changed it. They need you to be strong for them and for you, allow your husband to experience natural consequences and one of them is not having the luxury of coming home and affecting the kids or you. Take care of you and the kids first. Don't allow him to put any of you thru anymore and just put it back off on him, don't call him and let your kids know that you love them and that dad needs to realize what he is doing to all of you and until then he will not be back. I would attend some family counseling and you should go to alanon so that your head is clear and you can really focus on yourself and your boys, you owe that to them and to yourself.