Expert: Jurriaan Plesman, Nutritional Psychotherapist - 3/14/2003

Question
I recently met a 35 yr. old man who was a long time friend of a mutual friend. We worked on a movie together. He began to pursue me romantically soon after meeting me. He was on an antidepressant and had been in therapy after considering suicide. No formal education and has been on his own since he was 15. Never married, no children. Good with animals and children. Medium Overweight. Diet consists mainly of red meat, coffee black w/ sugar, pizza, soda and pack a day cigarettes. Ate salad once a week. He was overly generous, charming, attentive, flirtatious, demanded honesty, seemed very jealous of other men's attentions to me.  He had just gotten over a nervous breakdown of 2 years after  his fiancee left him and he was involved in a vehicular homicide in which his best friend died. He told me he believes everyone he loves abandons him. I ended up going with him on a trip driving to Los Angeles. (I fell for his charm basically).
My question is based on his behavior in your opinion were drugs involved (possibly cocaine or heroin) or was this just a case of borderline personality disorder?
The reason I am asking is since I got home he has emailed me twice all nice and sweet and tried to get our mutual friends to feel out how I feel about him. Is he just emotionally manipulating me (or trying to)? What is the best way to handle men like this? Ignore him and hope he goes away?
It has been over a month and it seems he is still trying to contact me.

Once on the road the cell phone began ringing incessantly with a woman he had told me was just a friend but it became apparent she and he were intimate together and he had given her lots of money. He claimed he was helping her recover from alcoholism. He was nice to her on the phone but complained against her to me saying she was not his girlfriend and she was a psychobitch. He had previously told me he was not involved with anyone. I did not have sex with him but although he told me he was an alpha male he preferred to be passive in bed and have the woman do things to him. He may have had impotency issues. He refused to kiss on the mouth. He had open sores on his gums (not canker sores) that did not heal in weeks. I began to believe something was wrong when he was always warm no matter how cold it was outside. He began to chain smoke. He needed loud music or the tv on to extreme volumes. He would not communicate for hours and when he did he began to become verbally and emotionally abusive. He became very controlling. He did not like how I asked to go to the bathroom or get something to eat. He did not like how long it took me to go to the bathroom. He bullied me in the hotel room telling me he wanted to stand whereever I was standing. He threatened to put me out on the side of the road if I did not get over my "attitude" problem. I became very scared. He kept sniffing (never blowing his nose). He had to go to the bathroom frequently. If I complained about his treatment of me he claimed I should be happy because when he has no use for someone he doesn't deal with them. When we finally got to a city he told me it was very dangerous there and that men would try to harm me since I was from out of town (I am a fairly independent person and have lots of experience travelling solo all over the world). He did not want me out of his sight. Finally he got up early one morning and went out to he said "do my ritual" and I got out of there and took the next flight home. My family and friends have suggested I have nothing to do with him but he tries to contact me all sweet and saying "Why did you not call me to tell me you got home alright. And things were weird but I hope we're still talking" and now a month later asking our mutual friends "What should I do?" They do not want to get involved and I have asked them to stay out of it. I would appreciate your advice regarding this person. Does it sound best to stay away from him completely? Will he give up if I do not give him any response? I am normally a fairly independent woman who can take care of herself but in this case I did try to placate him just until I could get away.
I know better than to be at this person's mercy again but does he sound dangerous or under the influence? His male friends have known him over 20 years and tell me he would never harm me physically. I know he had addictions to cocaine, gambling, alcohol in the past. I am very straight person and while I probably had some co-dependency issues I am fairly level headed.
Why do people like this become attracted to someone like me? His usual type was very needy emotionally fragile women who were dependent on him. I am educated and should know better than to get emotionally involved with someone like this. I was very addicted to his attentions before the trip. Since you have so much experience with this type of antisocial behavior I was wondering your clinical opinion. Is he just creating drama and driving me away as part of a borderline personality disorder or is this behavior fueled by substance abuse? I never saw any drugs but it was my suspicion since he was so different than he had been before the trip.  I will use your advice solely as an addition to other advice I have been given by people who know me who are in the mental health field.
I really appreciate your help.
Sincerely
Erika H. USA


Answer
Reading your post it is of course very difficult to give a definitive advice as to handle this person.
I am thinking primarily of you, and it seems to me that you have been enticed into this relationship, of whatever kind, because of the person's charm. This would indicate to me that you have a need to be liked and appreciated by other people. There is nothing wrong with that, but what worries me that you should seek this from a person who has obviously a serious personality disorder. The crux of the problem may well be in a low self-esteem of that person, that could well be responsible for the strange game he is playing with you. His jealousy points to him wanting to possess you.

If you want to more thoroughly understand the personality of that person and of yourself, I would strongly advise you to read all the chapters of our self-help PSYCHOTHERAPY course at our web site. This course is based on an analysis of the self-image and how a negative self-image can lead to all sorts of personality problems.

I am sure that after you have done the course you would be able to analyze not only the person in question, but also become aware of some of your own personal needs you are seeking in relationships.

Jurriaan Plesman
Free Web Site at:
www.hypoglycemia.asn.au