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Addiction to Drugs/My soon to be ex is a heroin addict... am I making the right decision?

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Expert: - 10/12/2007


Question
Hello... will try to make this long drawn out story as quick as possible... Met
my soon to be ex 13 years ago... drank, smoked pot... soon became hooked
on heroin. Split up- flash forward several years... get back to together when
he is clean- starts using again for a few months. Gets on methadone, stays
on it for the last ten years... Don't think he ever completely stopped using-
cocaine, heroin, what have you...just not frequently. Built a house, had our
own electrical business, got married... Decided to have a baby... I got
pregnant with Chloe three years ago... He starts using crank when I am six
months pregnant... Don't find out for a YEAR- knew something was wrong.
Fought all the time- thought it was me and postpartum depression... might
have been part of it, but... Suspected something, finally proved it May of last
year... told me he quit, we started marriage counseling- he started individual
drug counseling, got diagnosed as a bi-polar- got on meds. Continued to use
without my knowledge.. oh and did I mention that he LOST his business
because of the drugs in April of last year? Did some side jobs- I kept us going
by working my butt off... find out that he is ripping people off that he works
for by charging them more and not telling me.
ANYWAY, things start to progress again... fighting again, spending all his
time with his friends, in the garage, money disappearing. Right after
Christmas he disappears for 24 hours. Calls me the next AM and says that he
is addicted to coke and crank and wants to go to rehab... oh and he got fired
from the job he had just gotten for stealing!!! So... he goes to rehab, gets out
in ten days (insurance reasons)- still on methadone(they maintained it in
rehab). Comes home and is supposed to be going to IOP three nights a
week... Starts disappearing on Friday nights and not coming home for days.
Find out he left for 15 IOP classes- went to THREE. Was going to Newark,
using, getting drunk. Does this for a month- says that he wants to move out.
He needs to get his head straight. Tells me he is using again- won't get a
job- decideds to stay. Keeps disappearing every weekend. Find out that his
friend from rehab that he has been talking to is A WOMAN. That has been at
my house- that he has gone to see FREQUENTLY. Confront him he takes off
AGAIN...Swears he hasn't done anything with her. I snap.Tell him he can't
come home. Give him a week to figure out what he wants... says he doesn't
think he wants to work hard enough to fix us....much, much more in there.
But to get to my point. He kept using coke, lived in his truck for awhile,
pawned a ton of stuff. I filed for a legal sepeartion in March, had his name
removed from the house. He moved in with a friend in DE- we talk about
getting back together if he gets clean. Gets kicked off methadone for non
payment. Goes into detox in July- supposed to go to rehab. Never goes.
Starts using heroin again- WORKING FOR IT. Ten bags a day. Decides on his
own to go to rehab again. Goes to detox- rehab for 20 days- supposesd to
be thirty but doesn't want to stay in there any longer. Says he will go to some
meetings, but not every day. Bitched about how he hated his counselor in
rehab- how meetings are the same thing all the time- he doesn;t want to go
like he is supposed to. To me that says that he isn't that serious yet. Swears
that he will never use again- that he knows if he uses even once he will be
hooked again and he doesn't want to. Not on methadone- nothing. I am very
happy for him- but wary.
He has spent the last 5 months trying to get me back- laying on the guilt
trip... since he has been in rehab he is very distant- won't call or even really
talk to me. Don't get it- kind of relieved. Kind of hurt. 4 months ago I met
someone- he is a great guy- works, HATES drugs, loves my daughter, etc,
etc... he has shown me what life can be like with someone that cares.
Someone "normal". And I am starting to fall in love. And it feels good to trust
someone- be held- talked to... Yet a part of me still misses Jason- holds on
to that hope for a happy ending... Yet I can't take the chance that this will
happen again. He has given us NO SUPPORT for a year- not even food. I have
taken on $60000 in debt to take the house from him. I let him see Chloe
whenever he wants- to a point- yet a lot of times he doesn't show. I know
that is the drugs... but I think that is just part of the problem... He is a 35
year old man that still wants to be a rock star- can't handle life. And I don't
think he is serious enough to get all of the help he needs...

So I guess my question is... What are the chances of a heroin addict staying
clean? I go to Naranon meetings, have a sponsor- feel great MOST days...
don't get why I would want to go back to that life. Yes I love him, yes we were
happy once...but he lied, stole, cheated on me, LEFT us (and didn't want me
back until I was with someone)... yet I hold onto that hope...

Guess I am just looking for any advice- any insight into the situation... The
divorce will be final in 4 months and I am so scared of making the wrong
decision... Instinct tells me it is right.... my heart says different. Please help!!

Answer
Hey Shannon,

Sorry your going through this.
Now I can confidently help someone that wants off dope but matters of the heart.... but there is something here I feel very strongly about. You asked me for my advice/insight and I do have some.You have a child. Your daughter changes everything. You have the most important, precious thing here in fact the most precious thing we are entrusted with.
Has Jason been a father? Hell no. He's out doing crank while your pregnant and then things get even worse from there. You NEED to be a good mother ok. Your making an excellent decision by divorcing this Jason.
There's more Shannon. I'm very concerned about how your in someone elses arms already and it feels so good even though you are still hoping for a "happy ending" with the other dude. You talk about trust and it feels good to be holding someone- how about holding your daughter? THIS IS YOUR PRIORITY! Shannon this is the most important issue you have. You need to concentrate on being the best mother in the world. Chloe needs you to be a real mother.

Do heroin addicts get off dope and stay off? Yes some do.
Do some spouses ruin their entire lives waiting for their significant other to stay clean? Yes all the time.
Do some parents bring up children in a destructive environment affecting their children for the rest of their lives? All the time. Please don't be one of them.

Daniel  

Addiction to Drugs

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Daniel A. Toth

Expertise

Any questions related to: drug abuse,recovery and opiate withdrawal. Friends and family questions are also welcomed- however there's very little I can suggest if the person has no willingness to change.I will only answer NON- PRIVATE questions as my objective is to help as many people as possible- use a fake name. PLEASE DO NOT SUBMIT QUESTIONS REGARDING DRUG TESTS OR HOW LONG YOUR DOPE WILL STAY IN YOUR SYSTEM! My energy is directed at those wishing to stop self destructing.

Experience

Fourteen years active addiction;Eleven years to cocaine and heroin.
I've used every drug I've known about except PCP Any comments are from personal experiance, and do not necesarily reflect any programs.
SEE UPDATE AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS STORY! This was for an article in a teen magazine hence the youth perspective: I was a good kid. A diligent student with a 3.5 GPA through 9th grade. Now I was somewhat shy and didn't have a lot of friends. I discovered that by smoking weed I had instant friends. It was great at the time. All of a sudden I knew all these people, was getting invited to parties- hanging out after school getting high. Pretty soon getting high at lunch and even before school and then ditching school all together. In the beginning it was the social activity, not the "high" that was the major attraction. I just knew I would stop smoking it soon, perhaps after I got a cool girlfriend. Well then I started really enjoying the high- Having a bad day? Forget about in and get stoned. The parents getting on my case? Forget about it and get stoned. This girl I really like doesn't know I exist, better just get stoned. I found a way to great way to cope with all my problems. Well my grades started dropping, my hobbies such as all ocean activities and sports where only done high and then slowly not at all. Nothing was "cool" or important except getting high. With or without my friends. Then I was introduced to Meth or "crystal" Would I have considered it if not for my weed habit? Of course not. Plus I am just going to try it this one time. Wow! Now I could easily talk to girls. In fact I could talk and talk for hours to anyone about anything. And you know I'm one cool, smooth dude. Man I feel good. Then after it wore off I would struggle with depression and smoke a lot of weed until I got more meth. Now high school was over. I had no ambition for college but I did work in the family business. I still could hold a job with these habits. Now a friend tells me about this drug (heroin) that is just like pot except there’s no "burn out" He doesn't address it as heroin but a harmless sounding slang name. I observe him and his friends smoking this brown powder for months. They seem to be having a good time. They don't die. In fact there having more fun than I am. I wanted to try it. Just once, too see what it feels like. I would never try it again. Again it was the new friends at first and then the drug that became the major attraction. But it was o.k. because I'm going to never smoke it again after this next time. Oops, I did it again. O.K. but next week I'm going to quit for sure! Now the heroin made me feel nice, but the cocaine smoking was awesome. Plus no crash because I'll just smoke a little heroin. Before too long I was injecting a cocaine and heroin solution (speedball) into my veins as often as I could. Working did not accommodate my lifestyle. How could I work anyway in heroin withdrawal? I had to get some dope! Let’s see, my family has disowned me, I've sold everything I ever had. I've robbed every friend or family member than I had contact with. What am I going to do? Some how I got my fix every day. Not once but three or four times average. But it was still o.k. because I'm going to quit, maybe even tomorrow after I get high. I went for years thinking this way. I've been arrested many times. I even admitted myself many times to detox to get over the addiction but found myself planning my next high before I even left. I just couldn't cope with life. I didn't know how. But that won't matter, as soon as I get my fix everything will be alright. And it was..., for a little while. At this point I had long stopped kidding myself. I knew I was a hopeless addict. In fact three of my close friends overdosed and died. Another got sent to prison for years, and none of these guys did anything I didn't do. I knew I was on a dead end course to jails, institutions or death. I would put myself into one recovery home after another only to leave to get high. Why? I wasn't ready to admit I was completely powerless over my addiction and my life had become unmanageable. Only after I completely surrendered was I ready to listen to suggestions from the wonderful people in Narcotics Anonymous. (twelve step program) Today I enjoy many blessings of recovery. I have a wonderful family that loves and trusts me. I work every day, pay bills, support myself and even help others where I can. I love to travel and do as I can afford to. I still have problems but today I don't escape with artificial substances. I have learned coping skills, and realize that life isn't always wonderful but it could be a heck of a lot worse. I don't want to wake up one day an old man, and wonder what I could have been. I'm going to find out! You see, I'm one of the lucky ones and am extremely grateful for that. UPDATE 5/24/2005: Relapsed with painkillers about one year ago, and have been struggling since. I have about 30 days clean as of today 5/24. It's no big mystery/shocker. I stopped doing what I needed to do (program) and made a stupid decision. A couple vicodins woke up the dragon. I'll be ok if I do what I did to get the five yrs. Good luck to all of us! 2/14/06 Doing really well today (one day at a time). I also went through and am still very much going through the most difficult thing I ever have without using any drugs. Not hiding from emotional pain today by artificial means but rather accepting my emotions as natural and moving forward. I'm focusing today on not denying my emotions but acting constructively despite. I realize today that any artificial numbing may help in escaping short term pain but then complete facilitate suffering. Today I recognize my self destructive habits.

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