Expert: Crystal - 7/7/2007

Question
Dear Crystal,

I have an almost 16 yr. old son who has been engaging in pot on and off for months.  I can't tell you exactly when it started (it was within this calendar year), but it is looking more like a problem with than him just experimenting. He was caught with a homemade pipe here at home about 4 months ago. We addressed him with it like all the experts tell you to...telling him how much we love him, that we will not tolerate it..etc.  And things seemed to improve after that. Well, we were warned that it might not be over and they were correct.

Recently, he left his backpack at the park with his prescription pain medicine in it. The pain medicine was for his broken nose -which, of course, had his name on it. He also had a pot pipe and Visine eye drops in the bag. The police are the ones who found it and now he is charged with drug paraphernalia possession. We also had him tested for drugs...and it came back positive for pot. He claimed his friends encouraged him recently to smoke some to help him deal with the pain of his nose, which is why it was positive. I guess the prescription medicine wasn't enough to help him with the pain...give me a break. Anyway, yesterday my husband found another homemade pipe in his backpack. My husband never told me that he found it. My oldest son did. My oldest son also told me that he met with the Young Life Christian youth leader this morning (my oldest is still active in it in college and still keeps in touch with this guy)and the leader told my oldest that he has strong suspicions that my youngest is doing drugs. He even thought my son was smoking while at camp, but he couldn't prove it. **Wish he would have said something to me. Anyway...neither my husband nor I know what to do next or how to handle him. I can't seem to get my husband to deal with this. I found out that he told my youngest that he would talk to him tomorrow about it. In the meantime, he is out having the time of his life today. I want to cut off his cell phone use because grounding him is impossible. Note: Back in March when we first discovered that he was using I made an appt. for a drug assessment. I cancelled it, however, because his attitude and demeaner improved and I didn't think he was smoking anymore. I plan on making another appt.. Are there special drug counselors to help us with this?  I am sick. This sweet boy, always kind, very personable,...also found himself in a middle of a fight trying to protect another boy. Because of his broken nose, he realized he put himself in a compromising position...causing him to pull his legal scout knife out of his pocket. He never showed the blade but threatened the boy who had just punched the one my son was protecting. The boy backed off but my son made things worse by following him and continuing the threats. Many witnesses were there. He is now also charged with aggravated menacing. Perhaps he was slightly under the influence to cause him to not think?

Answer
Being under the influence alters our responses and yes it could be that but it sounds like your son has a lot to work on in general. There are substance abuse centers for just adolescents and it would be a great idea to get him into on now so that he doesn't mess up the rest of his future. Tough love never hurt anyone and since he is choosing to behave and act then you need to follow-up with consequences for his actions. Make him realize that everything you do comes with consequences, whether good or bad there is always a consequence. That is what adolescents have a hard time understanding a lot of times because we protect them as parents and then when they fall we fall too. He would do very well attending counseling and if you need to, put him in a residential treatment center to cut off all outside contact and allow for him to get the full benefit out of it. Don't enable him to continue on this path however because if you do he will never change and he will lose respect for you later on when he realizes how much he lost. However hard it may be as parents our job is to protect our children and make sure they make the right choices and learn from their mistakes and it is also our job to make choices for them when they can't make good choices. It is our job so don't be too hard on yourself for allowing natural consequences to take place.