Expert: Crystal - 5/27/2007

Question
My partner has been using cocaine, well actually it was crack cocaine. He says only once and a while till about 2 months ago. He says he was not using everyday and I do belive this as there were times he never left the house and I was home. I think for a period of 2-3 weeks it may have been every second day or every day. He says he will not use again and hasnt for almost 2 weeks. He tells me that he is not addicted he was just using too often. He wont tell me the exact day he last used or when he actually started but I think about 8-9 months ago. I have told him that if he can not be completely honest,see someone and take his name off our bank account he needs to leave. He had been quite meak and quiet since he told me half of the truth. He says it doesnt matter when, although he did finally admit it was since March but actually before christmas, But today I questioned him again, he quit it he said and one of our teenage children went after him verbally and hit him. Our other child wont talk to him. He left taking most of his things, he has no money and hasnt had any for about 10 days. I guess my question is could he not be addicted? I read that effexor is used for cocaine addiction and he is on this. Is it possible that I found out and confronted him early enough? I know he has gone for time periods greater then a week to 10 days without using.
Thank you

Answer
Maple,

Addiction is addiction; What I mean is you either have an addiction or you don't. You either use or you don't. Does that make sense? He is addicted. There are two definitions,abuse and dependence. Where do YOU think he is in his addiction would be the question? If he has been using for 8 to 9 months then I would have to say that he needs substance abuse counseling. He is running from something emotionally and mentally and doing crack makes the mind race but in a different way and it alters how individuals process things. It is good that he has gone periods with abstinence but that doesn't mean he will stop using . He needs to be able to understand the root of his addiction for himself so that he can change what he is doing and only he can do that. You can be there to support him through this but you can't do it for him. When an individual suffers with an addiction it takes understanding the addiction and understanding what life changes you have to make to achieve abstinence and maintain sobriety. It is lifetime thing once you face it and confrontation puts them on the defense and humiliates them because they already feel guilty. It is an ugly cycle. Do you know why he began using in the first place? Does he know?
Why did one of your kids hit him and why is the other one not talking to him, do they know he has been using? I understand if your children are angry with him and probably confused but violence isn't the answer.
It would probably help you to get some help too, and for the family because it is hard on everyone. Maybe you could go to Alanon for support. I know it is hard because you want with all of your heart to believe him and yet you are angry because you can't understand why it is happening and why they feel they have to use. You feel frustrated and sad because you can't fix it you feel resentful and hopeless and worse you feel helpless. If you feel the way you do, imagine what your kids must feel and also what he is feeling because he is carrying alot of shame right now.

I wish you and your family luck and if you need anymore advice please don't hesitate to write.
Crystal