AboutPeter C. Winkler, CSW Expertise I have experience with adoption subsidy, the Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children and variety of other adoption related matters. I hope that I can be helpful to those who are considering adoption or would like to adopt a child.
Experience I am a social worker with an MSW and I have over thirty years of experience in family and children's services. I have worked as Director of adoption services and of the Interstate Compact in a large state agency. I have also provided direct services to children and families in a preventive services program. I currently prepare adoption studies for those who are adopting domestically or internationally.
Expert: Peter C. Winkler, CSW Date: 6/6/2008 Subject: My daughter's natural father was never told
Question I have made a huge mistake. I allowed my (ex-felon) husband to adopt my daughter nine years ago in a public notice adoption while we were living in another state. (I lied about not being able to locate her natural father and the lawyer published in the local newspaper, not where she was born, nor her father's last known address.) Seven years ago, we moved back to my hometown, where her biological father grew-up and where his parents and brothers always have lived. They have no clue. My daughter and her cousins go to the same elementary school and do not know they are relatives. I have had a terrible marriage, we are talking divorce and I know this coming discovery will end it. My husband knows I always have known who her real father is, but assumed he is a bad guy (ironic, because he is the one who has been in jail). I just found out her natural father recently got divorced (word is because his ex-wife could not have children which soured their marriage) and is planning on moving back here. He is sure to find out about his daughter in this small town; she is so beautiful and looks just like him. Her natural father is a highly educated, successful, professional who would have wanted to be in his daughter's life. This happened because both of us are the type who don't "kiss and tell" and he was back home for a weekend visiting his family. Back then, it was easier not to tell him than disrupt his career and face the chance he would reject me. (I told him I was on birth control that night.) When he moves back, should I tell him or wait until he finds out? How do I tell my daughter the reason her real father has not been in her life is because I never told him? Can the adoption be undone after my divorce? Can I get in trouble for stating I could not find him; he was only one phone call away? This is going to blow-up in a huge way.
Answer Dear Tina-
I'm not a lawyer, but I think the fact that you withheld information regarding your daughter's biological father is a relatively common thing. If you did go back to court, I doubt if it would be held against you. Furthermore, you need to ask what is to be gained by going back to court to rescind the adoption. I really don't understand your fears about the situation blowing up.
The person who I would be most concerned about here is your daughter. If you are sure about her biological father, she should know about him. Why not contact him and explain what happened? I would think that if he is a decent guy he will be understanding about the situation and he will want to get to know his daughter. I would suggest that you emphasize that you are not seeking child care payments when you do contact him. (For one thing, the adoption probably negated his child support obligations although he could still help out on a voluntary basis.) If he is interested in having your daughter in his life, it would be a good idea to explain what the story is to your daughter in a way that is understandable to a child her age.
Finally, I would leave it up to your daughter's biological father as to whether to share this information with his other family members. It would be nice if he shares this discovery with his extended family, but I think he should take the lead on this.
