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Adoption Issues/Birth Father Ignoring Contact Request

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Expert: - 5/7/2009


Question
I am in my mid-thirties and recently found my birthmother. Our reunion was wonderful and we are forging a great relationship. My birth father was married to another woman and having an affair with my birth mother and that is how I came to be. He already had a young child at home. He knew about me and that I was put up for adoption but it is unknown whether his wife ever knew about me. He has two children one older and one a few years younger than me - I doubt they know about me. I sent a letter with photos of me and my child about five months ago through an intermediary but have had absolutely no response from him. I had also requested from him in my letter, a medical history, which would greatly benefit me and my child. My question is, do I pursue the issue and write him another letter or do I leave it alone?  I know nothing of his personality and my birth mother is stumped as well. I really would like a medical history from him if nothing else.  I feel very rejected by him and am struggling with this situation. I can understand if he doesn't want to rock the boat on his end but I'm at a loss as to what to do. Any insight would be much appreciated!

Answer
Angela, congratulations on your reunion with your mother. I am happy to share my insights and encouragement regard your father. Thank you for writing.

I have considered your question carefully and I think, if it were me, I would pursue the issue.

Please do not conclude that a lack of response signals rejection at this point. While that is possible, it is not a likely reason for his silence.

Angela, as you already know, this reunion stuff can trigger high emotion and upset. Your father will not be immune.

He has had some time to consider your reasonable request for information. He has had months to process the "news" and consider any family issues.

Please do try again to contact him.

Can you locate an email address for your father or for either of your siblings? Have you checked for online profiles of any of them? Contact via email and through networking sites has helped to break the ice in similar situations.

Best wishes, Angela, and congratulations again on your reunion successes to date. Thank you for your question. I hope I have been some help.

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Alice Allen, Rev (ULC)

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Adoption Reunion and Reconciliation - "Do I matter to you?" - To adopted persons and their families, it is an especially important question. I offer search and support guidance, information about typical/atypical consequences of reunion, and counseling to all involved parties. Please 'View Profile' for more detail.

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I am an Universalist minister and counselor specializing in search, reunion, and reconciliation issues. I am founder of GrannysCupboard, an ULC ministry. As a function of our ministry, GrannysCupboard assists individuals searching for missing or estranged family and community members. Confidential information provided to GrannysCupboard is not shared without explicit permission. All costs associated with search service are paid by GrannysCupboard.

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