Expert: Alice Allen, Rev (ULC) - 8/23/2011

Question
Hello!
I am a newbie here . If it is not the right place for my question, please feel free to ignore it.

To make the story short:I was adopted as an infant.My adoptive parents have always been my Mom and Dad for me.They even helped me to find my birth family.Some months ago I visited my birth family. I was welcomed by them and I was introduced to my siblings/ a brother and a sister/. Then the problem started...

One day my birth parents suggested that I would be adopted by them / adult adoption/ and the biological truth to crew over...The explanation was that the real biological parents' names would appear on my birth certificate. The adoption was granted / the judge asked only for my agreement/ .

My parents-they who grow me up, received the papers and since then they have not wanted to talk to and to see me.They said to a friend of mine that they were in complete failure as parents or  they reaped ungrateful.

Again- I have ever considered them as my true parents-my Mom and my Dad. I feel so sorry for them . I want to rebuild our relationship again but I do not know how...I am not allowed to visit them , my phone calls are rejected.

Any advice will be appreciated.

Answer
George, infant adoption is very often a messy business that thrives on deceptions and falsehoods. As an adult you have made a choice to correct your birth documents and to reclaim your identity. Congratulations! Your adoptive parents may be in shock - unsure what your action means to them. Perhaps they feel as though they have been rejected or have lost ownership of you. I think I can help. Thank you for writing.

It is clear to me that you feel love and devotion for the people who raised you, and that you also feel a strong connection with your heritage and your natural family. It is right, it is good that you can love and honor all of the important people in your life. Please do not blame yourself for the upset. It was not your action that caused the problem. It is your adoptive parents response and their lack of understanding that are the sources of trouble.

You may want to write a letter instead of telephoning or visiting. Putting your thoughts on paper will give you an opportunity to clarify your message and will also provide a distance from the upset while things are settling down. You do not need to mail the letter right away, if at all. You will know as you consider your words when and if sending the message is appropriate. If you would like to draft such a letter, I am happy to help you with the wording. Please be mindful to state your case as an adult and not as a child who is seeking forgiveness. Again, you have done nothing wrong.

Since the upset is recent, George, time may also help. After reflecting on the years of closeness they may come to realize that nothing has truly changed. Be prepared though, there are some adopters who will not tolerate a show of independence by their raised children. Some will insist that they alone must be recognized as the family of the adopted person.

Also, you may be interested in a Facebook group that promotes adopting back by natural family and adoption termination by adult adopted persons. Members in that group can share their experiences and provide support for your decision. Here is the link: ( http://www.facebook.com/groups/adoptback/ )

Best wishes to you as you work to resolve this misunderstanding with your adoptive parents. I hope I have been some help. Please feel free to contact me again, George. Thank you for your question.