Expert: Alice Allen, Rev (ULC) - 8/16/2011

Question
I am face book friends with someone who is my half sister and she doesn't know.  My birth mother will not tell any of her children.  I have met them twice but they didn't have any idea.  Now I am 33 and married with kids and throgh facebook I know she is married and has a baby also.  Her mother still doesn't want me to tell her.  It has been over a year since I have talked to my birth mother because of this.  So far I have honored her wishes but I really don't want to.  Should I tell her and if so how?

Answer
Jeff, adoption has denied you normal relationships with your natural family members. Your natural mother could ease that loss and promote positive relationships by sharing her history with her raised children. Perhaps she is stalling for reasons you can not accept long-term --- still there is hope. Thank you for writing.

As an adopted person you may be quite tired of the deceptions that keep you from exploring your heritage and your family connections. You have shared this burden even though you have had no responsibility for the choices that were made. You have been patient.

Contacting your sister directly with the news is obviously an option, however I would suggest that you delay that action for a short while longer. Preparing your natural mother for the event is reasonable and will promote trust and respect for all parties involved.

Can you give your natural mother an additional opportunity to resolve the issues that have kept you a secret? Is she healthy, emotionally and physically? Does she have a support network that can assist her? Is the timing right?

If the answers are Yes, then choose your words carefully and contact your natural mother by letter or telephone when you are ready. Let her know that you intend to contact your sister in the very near future.

If the answers are No, or if she has flatly refused to consider sharing the truth, then contact your natural mother to tell her that someone outside the family already knows. Provide her with my counseling email address and insist that she contact me right away. (The address is included in the email response you've received from me. I am also available by telephone and can provide that number if you contact me by email. There is no fee.)

Your natural mother may feel encouraged to share the truth with family members if she believes that such information will come from you or another source instead.

I hope I have been some help, Jeff. Please feel free to contact me again when you believe you are ready to approach your sister directly. I am happy to assist you further. Thank you for your question.