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Adoption Issues/biological father disclosure

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Question
Hello, I have a pretty strange situation and I would appreciate your advice. I have been married 10 years, but in our 5th year I committed adultery and became pregnant by the other man. My husband knew the truth about everything at the beginning of my pregnancy. We decided to stay together and currently have a good marriage. She is now 4 years old and my husband has loved her like his own and adores her like no other. We went to court 2 years ago and the bio father signed a waiver of interest so we could proceed with the step parent adoption to prevent legalities down the road. I was wondering, should we ever tell our daughter the truth about her biological father or never disclose this sensitive information? I don't want to hurt her.

Answer
Mary, you already know that healthy relationships require honesty. Certainly, your daughter deserves to know the entire truth about her story. Thank you for writing.

Will she be upset to learn that she has two fathers? Maybe. I believe that she would be more deeply hurt to learn later in life that she had been deceived by the folks she loves the most.

Thank you for your question, Mary. I hope I have been some help. Please let me know if you think I can help further.  

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Alice Allen, Rev (ULC)

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Adoption Reunion and Reconciliation - "Do I matter to you?" - To adopted persons and their families, it is an especially important question. I offer guidance related to post-adoption search and reunion. Questions about how to search, what to expect of reunion, and where to locate resources are welcome. Please 'View Profile' for more detail.

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Universalist minister and counselor specializing in post-adoption search, reunion, and reconciliation issues. Founder of GrannysCupboard, a ULC ministry that assists individuals who are searching for missing or estranged family and community members. Confidential information provided to GrannysCupboard is not shared without explicit permission. All costs associated with search service are paid by GrannysCupboard. No fees are charged.

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