About Lynn Expertise I am an adult adoptee in the process of searching for my birth mother, and almost at the end of my search. I have had to live with one side of my family being very accepting, loving and caring, and the other side not at all. I am looking to help other adoptees on the emotional side with dealing with the frustrations and joys of being the adoptee. I can give no legal advice, but I have the experience of a split family on the issue. I am hoping to help you with support you may need during a difficult time in your life, or search.
Experience I live in Ontario, Canada, and I have been an adoptee for nearly 30 years now, and know all about what it is like to have one side of your adopted family reject you because of who you are, or rather who you aren't.
Question I was adopted when I was 2. I dont regret it but..my adopted dad's family have not and do not like me. They don't even consider me family and my dad's mother tells everyone she only has 8 grandchildren when legeally it is nine (and I am left out..of course). Now that I am older (22) this has put a strain on my relationship with my adopted parents. (my adopted mothers parents are nice and have always accepted me).
See I refuse to go to family outings when my dad's parents are there.This has started problems now. His parents have insulted, humiliated me and generally treated me like garbage over the years. (She took her "blood grandkids" to disneyland twice, took them on varous other trips, gives them 100 dolar bills at Xmas,paid for their university etc. while I get a snide comment). I don't care about that stuff-money trips etc. I just don't like being treated like a weirdo/stranger and like i am something evil, and have done something bad, because I was adopted. I have heard we dissapproved of them adopting you" and "they are not your real parents" many times.
My Dad says ignore them, but personally I have put up with that B.S. for too long, it is hurtful and degrading and I want nothing to do with them. I am just tired of being humiliated by them and left out. How would I resolve this? any advice?
I also want to start looking for my bio logical parents, I want to do it for the right reason. (which is because I want too and not out of hatred for my adopted grandparents).
Thank you for any advice.
Dan
Answer Hi Dan.
I have read your letter and feel for you completely. My family is exactally the same as yours...my dad's side are ***holes and my mom's side is accepting...exactally in the manner in which yours is. It was just like reading about my own life! I hear you, and my heart goes out to you.
My suggestion to you is this: try speaking to your adopted mom and dad separately, then together...tell them how you feel, in very soft tones...try not to get upset, try not to fight, or argue about it... but let them know this is how you feel, and how much it hurts you, and that you have made the decision not to associate yourself with your dad's side of the family. Or, if you feel that won't work for you, just disassociate yourself (as I think you already have started to do) and just keep it that way. That is what I did. I haven't spoken to my dad's mother in years, and the ironic thing is that my mom's parents live directly across the street from her. She sees me coming and going, and I don't care. I don't go to family get togethers nor do I go to their family reunions. Nor do I get invited, hehe and nor do I care. I look at it this way, it is THEIR loss. They are missing out on a great grandaughter/neice/cousin/whatever and person in general.
You are an adult now, and fully entitled to being one, acting like one and above all, making your own decisions and choices. If this is what you want, then you do it. If this is what you feel you need to do, then do it. (and I mean this in regards to avoiding your "family", and looking for your biological ones)
I think you have put up with enough BS, it is time for YOU to take control of it. Just like I did. Why worry about it? Why bother with upsetting yourself over it? Why care what they think? They don't worry about you, they don't care wether you are upset about it, and they obviously don't care what YOU think or feel, so YOU take control over the situation, and you tell yourself that YOU have decided not to let them rule YOU and YOUR feelings and YOUR emotions. YOUR life. They are the ones with the problem, and the issues, not you. Your adopted parents chose you and raised you adn cared for you and loved you...not them.
Just try your best to explain to your mom and dad that you really don't feel that you want anything to do with the crap anymore or the way it makes you feel, therefore the easiest way to avoid those feelings, is to avoid the ones that create it for you. The best way to deal with a constant problem is to get rid of it, right? Once the problem is removed, then you will start to feel better. Just think, you have one thing up on all those others in your dad's family... YOU were hand chosen, YOU were singled out by your parents (who could have chosen from any hundreds of other babies)to be loved. YOU are special. Not them.
It is entirely possible that your situation is similar to mine where my dad couldn't have children therefore chose to adopt, and his family is ashamed of that and blame him for not being a "real man", and can't exactally take it out on him therefore they transfer that shame, humiliation and blame to me, as they know that would hurt him more than if they took stabs at him for it.
I'll tell you something...any guy can father a child, but it takes a real man to BE a father, and that is a step that your dad took and mine.
It is sad that we have to be treated like that and always have ot feel like we don't belong, and don't fit in, or have something to be afraid or ashamed of. We don't. YOU don't. So why take it? I don't have to and you don't have to.
If you want to start the search for your real parents, you need to first find out which agency you were adopted from, and contact someone there and tell them that you want to start looking for your real mother (it is the easiest way to start, trust me) don't go for father first, because once you find your mother, you can always get that information about your father and other family members from her. Tell them you want to look for your birth mother, and you aren't sure where to begin. They will tell you everything you need to do and know. DO NOT be afraid to ask questions. ANY and EVERY question is a valid one. The only question that is stupid, is the one that isn't asked. Remember that.
It can be a long and tedious wait, but keep on top of it... Once I was told that the search for my birth mother was underway, I actually called them every two months to see if there was any progress, which in essence gets them on top of your case and keeps it moving steadily (just a little trick I learned along the way) and once things started moving along and more information was coming in, I called once a month to get reports...THEY will not update you...you need to call them and find out what is going on. Things are a little different for the way it all works in Canada, and I am not sure where you are but I know it is all the same basis and basics to start. The laws are different though...but please, send throu another message to me if you feel you need or want to. Keep communications open with me in here as I would love to help you along the way, and hear how things are going. I would love to hear more about what your family is like, and would like to share some of my stories with you if you would like. You never know...it could be fun! hahaha.
Dan, I wish you all the luck in the world. Please let me know what you think of my response, and please remember, this is all MY opinion. You can do with this information whatever you wish. But I would love to know what you think of our similar/dissimilar situations.
