AboutColleen Expertise I can answer questions about the adoption process. I don't handle questions about searches for adoptive parents.
Experience I have three adopted children. The two youngest were adopted as infants. In both cases, we dealt with the birthmother during her pregnancy and a bit afterwards. Our children are now old enough to begin asking questions and we are dealing with those issues.
Expert: Colleen Date: 7/29/2004 Subject: Adoption with close friends
Question We have very close friends who are adopting my daughter's child. My daughter is 17. Do you have any suggestions on visits? I was talking last night with them at a dinner. Knowing my daughter and how loving she is, we agreed that no visits for 6 months may be in her best interest, and theirs. It's tough to know where to start and what will be best for everyone. We don't want to interfear in their lives but we want to do what is best for everyone, including my daugher.
Answer This can be a sticky situation, but workable if everyone cooperates. First of all, let me commend your daughter on her decision to give her child a better life by providing a stable, two parent home for him/her. She is obviously smart enough to know that having a 17 year old unmarried mother is not a good way for a child to start out life. If only so many others would do the same thing!
That being said, she does need to realize that she is giving up the child, and unless the parents want it, there really shouldn't be an ongoing relationship between her and the child. Saying no visits for six months means nothing if your daughter feels that she can have visits after that. It would be in the best interests of all concerned (including your daughter) if she were to bow out of the new family's life after the child is place with them.
You mention that they are close friends. A continuing relationship with them may also be difficult for you if you consider this child as your grandchild. That would be very unfair to the child, his/her parents and you, also. The child needs to feel loved and secure in his/her basic family unit.
There are many reasons why an ongoing relationship is not good, but one important one for you and your daughter is the fact that this family may very well move quite a distance away from you one day. Or, the parents may become concerned about undue interest in their child from you and/or your daughter, and break off the relationship themselves.
My youngest daughter's birth mother was allowed once a month overnight visits with us for the first few years. I assumed she would begin her own life eventually, marry and have children, and lose some interest in my daughter. Unfortunately, that did not happen and my husband and I had to put a stop to the visits because we wanted to be able to handle our daughter without her feeling that there was another "mother" waiting in the wings if all did not go as she wished (especially during those turbulent teen years.)
I have an e-mail relationship with her birth mother, and when the time is right (when my daughter is older, more mature -- she's 12 now), I will give her the information she needs to seek her out if that is what she wants to do. But for the sake of all concerned, your daughter's baby needs to have one mommy, one daddy, and a sense of belonging and security.
