AboutRoberta Rosenberg Expertise International Adoption - I am an active member of the adoption community. I have 3 children, 2 adopted from Korea. I can answer all questions about Korean adoption, most questions on international. What I do not know I can easily find out.
(PLEASE NOTE: I cannot answer any questions involving immigration/family adoption legal issues. These matters of local/state/federal law should be discussed with a qualified attorney.)
Experience Beyond my own personal experience as an adoptive parent, I'm also the developer of several websites related to adoption. Adopting from Korea (www.adoptkorea.com) and AdoptShoppe (www.adoptshoppe.com) are just two of my current sites.
Question Hi,
I'm 16 and my parents adopted an 8 year old boy (sergei) from Russia about 8 months ago. I have an 18 year old sister and a 6 year old brother. The problem is the Sergei has been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder, and despite medication to control his temper and some other therapist recommended techniques, Sergei and my father haven't bonded at all. In fact my father often picks fights with him and tries actively to get Sergei in trouble with other members of the family. He often will 'forget' to give sergei his medicine, knowing that without it he has a hard time controlling himself (on one occasion, Sergei got suspended for fighting with another child, after he had missed 3 doses while in my dad's care). My mother is in complete denial that there is any problem.
Do you have any idea as to what I can do to help the situation? My father and I had a wonderful relationship when I was growing up but now I am in complete disgust that he could be as mean as he is a his own child. What can I do?
Sorry for the long letter,
Kalea?
Answer Hi Kalea, thanks for writing. You're obviously a very caring and mature sister to want to do something to help your new brother.
I'm not a adoption/family therapist so I'm not in a position to "diagnose" the issues you see at play, but I do think the issues are many. Does your mom know that your dad isn't giving Sergei his medication on a regular basis? Have you shared your concerns with your older sister? Do you think she might have more impact talking to your mom about your concerns? What about your grandparents or aunts/uncles? Is there anyone in your family you can talk to?
If you are finding yourself alone in all of this, you might want to speak with your priest/pastor/rabbi or perhaps the social worker who coordinated the adoption for your family or the counselor at your brother's school. Again, perhaps your older sister could help you with this.
I know none of this will be easy. Starting with family members would be best, I think. But it's important to start somewhere. Sometimes adults can get "lost" in their own needs. Sometimes we need our children to show us what we can't see ourselves.
I hope I've given you a little help through all this. Just for your own reading, you might want to get a book or two about adoption and attachment at the library. There's a very good one by Deborah Gray/Grey that was recently published. You just might be a good idea or two from there, too.
Let me know how it goes for you.
All the best.
Roberta
