Expert: Fox - 7/17/2006

Question
Hey, i just recently moved from the west coast to the east coast to be with my boyfriend of 2 years. I love him so much and i know he loves me just as much. he shows me in almost everything he does.
The problem is, i get so upset with him so easily and alot of the time, its really over nothing. I know this is a sign of my insecurity and thats my problem, but i was hopeing to get advice on how to change my thinking.
I always am assuming the worst. I have had alot of relationships, and yes i have been hurt, but i know thats not, or should not be an excuse to take it out on my boyfriend. I'm wondering if i'm just being over sensitive becasue of my move. When i moved i left my family and my friends and everything i knew to come live on the east coast with a man that i truely love. and the tricky part is, i KNOW he loves me. I KNOW he does. he talks about marriage and engagement and how he's going to do it. he gives me everything i could possibly want. he has given me everything i need to be comfortable so far away from my family. and thats why i am so confused with myself. I know he loves me. cause he shows me and tells me. but, I have had strong emotions over alot of simple things. I guess you'll need examples?

The toughest one:
at the beginning of our relationship, i found that he had left a comment on another girls myspace telling her she was sexy and what not. i called him at 3 in the morning with all intention to break up. He started crying and telling my that it was a mistake adn he was sorry and that he didn't want to lose me, and that he was friends with her in highschool and wanted to get back in touch. so we settled that and it was fine. then he went to hang out with her even after he knew how i felt about the whole thing. so i was upset about that. but eventually got over it. he's apologized and even to this day. he says he feels awful about it.
THEN there was AMANDA.
Amanda is my boyfriends ex g.f. so i can understand wanting to be friends with your ex. so when he told me he was going to go hang out with her, i was like ok. just keep in touch let me know whats going on. he said ok. so for most of the day i was fine. then one in the morning came around and i called him and he was still there at her house. i was pissed, i was hurt. i was confused. i didn't know what to think or to believe. he told me nothing happend and that they just sat on the couch and talked. and in all honesty, i believe that. I do. i dont think n e thing happend. i'm not naive. i called him and when i found out that he was still there and he hadn't gotten a hold of me all night. thats when i started telling him that i wasn't going to do this n e more, i'm not going to let my self suffer like that, and then i was going to break up with him. and again he got very upset almost on the verge of tears. so we got over that. then i was so sensitive to EVERYTHING that even the littlest thing got me upset and worrying. and a year later.. i'm still sensitive. especially over things he does on the computer and/or his cell. i still want to know everything. and he has told me that he still wants to be friends with amanda. and after what happend, i'm still so uncomfortable with it. i dont like thinking about it. but i dont want to tell him he can't be friends with someone. but its just so hard to be ok with it. still struggling with that.

The newest thing that i blew up about was i found porn. and i understand we didn't get to be together for a long time durning our relationship.. but i dont want him lookin at it now that i am here and he can have me for sex. not a stupid video. it makes me feel like i am not good enough. so we had a big argument about it. he told me that since i have been here he has not looked at it at all.. i dont know what to believe. he tells me i am the most beautiful girl he has ever seen.. and the porn was just urges he couldn't resist when we couldn't be together. he said he isn't looking for n e one else for his needs.. not love, not sex, not affection. but .. it still is hard to know he has it.. and when i go to work.. is he going to be watching it? i'm scared to ask him these kind of questions.  and i dont know what the right way to feel would be.. not caring? but how do i convince myself to not care?
I dont know how to feel about amanda. he has completely stopped talking to the myspace girl. i dont know how to feel about the porn. and i dont know how to not be so uptight about things. do you think its just because moving away from everything i know? my family.. my friends? that i am just hypersensitive? i dont know what to do.. i want him to be happy.. but i also want myself to be happy. i dont want to be so uptight.. but i dont know how to convice myself that things are ok... please help me.. I apologize for the long e-mail... i have just had so many questions for so long.. that i think this might be the only chance i have of letting them out.

Answer
Jonnsi,

You're a lovely, lovely girl, but you must listen to me. You must trust me, that what I am telling you is the truth. You are too close to this situation to realize.

He had you come from the West Coast. He gives you everything. He will marry you. He loves you and wants to be with you. End of story. That is not in doubt.

HOWEVER...

There are things you just have to know:

(1) Most men have very very strong lustful sexual feelings towards women in general, not just one woman. He might want you more than any of those other women, but you can never make him NOT want those other women, even though you may make him deny it in order to make you happy.

(2) Many men are driven - at times - by their cocks. Sex is everything when lust takes over... because the sex is all about PHYSICAL desire and fantasy, strange sexy bodies - different women - are desirable and erotic. No matter how incredibly sexy you are you can never give a man that you have been with for a long time that erotic feeling of being with a stranger, or of cheating.

(3) There is also a tremendous amount of pressure on men from society to be "players".

Now, from what you've told me, we're not stupid... he's into his ex, maybe he's messing around with her, maybe not. Maybe he'll stop after you marry, maybe not. Maybe he never did, but he definitely thinks about it. ANY man would.

A lot of the problem here is you. If he trusted you enough to share his true self with you, he could tell you anything. But he can't tell you if he wants this girl or that girl because like many people in general you are tremendously jealous.

I know this is a trap a lot of women fall into, but by restricting him you only push him away.

Take the porn for example. Many women fantasize about strange men, or group sex, or rape, or celebrities, or other women... or they read romance novels and imagine they are the girl... men don't only fantasize like that en masse, they also like to WATCH... the fantasy is an onscreen fantasy... and those girls are physically incredible, and sexually wild and slutty and nasty - all the things men like when they are THAT turned on.

You can't blame him for that.

OK, maybe what you want is a man that doesn't watch porn, doesn't hit on other girls, doesn't cheat on you. That man will be very very very hard to find. That man is not the man you are with. Maybe he doesn't cheat, but he damn well watches porn and I don't know that many men that don't.

If you want HIM and not some ideal of what he could be if he changed, then you can share his fantasies - watch porn with him, fantasize about your friends and his exs etc... share his desires, let him be HIMSELF with you... or let him have those things in private, without getting mad.

But don't ask him to change. It's one thing to demand he not cheat, but asking him not to flirt, not to leave comments, and particularly not to watch porn, if those are things that he does, is a little much.

I'm NOT saying a man SHOULD do those things... but if that's what he likes to do, you should love him for who he is, be honest with him, ask only that he is honest with you... be sure he knows what the rules are, but...

Honestly, why make rules? Why trap him? Isn't it the same thing to want to cheat and to cheat? If you make rules, and he only follows them because he's scared of you leaving, what kind of love is that? He shouldn't have to follow rules. If he loves you that much, and still wants other women, or messes around with them, then that free, young sexual desire is a big part of him, and you should either embrace it, share it, allow it... or leave him.

Just don't make him change because newsflash... HE WON'T. The change is either a natural choice, or a fake. If you THINK he's changed that just means he's gotten better at doing it behind your back. This will probably be true for any man. You HAVE to get to a point with him, or someone else, where you know each other inside and out and love each other for ALL that you are.

So if it is vital to you that your man not watch porn, not hit on other girls, hang out with other girls, touch other girls, then you must find a man who naturally doesn't want to do those things. There aren't many men out there who don't love some of those things.

But what's more important than ANY of that is TRUST. If you can encourage him to share his porn, his desires for other women, etc, with you... and if you are okay with them, in fact, if you let them turn you on (your man is a stud, he loves women, other women want him, doesn't that KIND of turn you on that this stud belongs to you... and you, goddess, you could have any man you wanted, don't you think you should make him worship you from head to toe and make him your slave sexually to show you how lucky he is to have you... think like that, rather than being so insecure and jealous...) then you can get past this.

I know you're girlfriends will tell you this or that isn't right, but their men are thinking the exact same thoughts as yours, most men watch porn, all men think about women in general, and a fucking lot of men cheat... your man won't cheat if he truly doesn't want to, and he won't want to if you show him that he can be himself with you...

If you're not willing to accept those parts of him, that's okay, but you should leave now and save yourself the pain. Living in this drama is not good for either of you. If he didn't love you, this wouldn't be happening (he wouldn't be with you), but you may think you love him, but do you actually love what you want him to be... or what he pretends to be? What about who he IS? Do you even know?

You can show him this letter. It might go a long way to opening up this conversation between you that might determine your future.

And if you want to cheat to even the scores, I'm on the East Coast till October, and I can do things your boyfriend has never heard of ;-P

I'm sorry if this wasn't what you wanted to hear.

My personal address is foxelipsus@yahoo.com

Sincerely
Fox Salehi