Expert: Chim Hedo - 10/21/2008

Question
My husband has an extreme desire to be involved in a threesome with me and another man.  He wants to watch me as this man enters me and wants me to give the other man oral sex.  He also would like me to give him oral sex while this man is inside me.  I do not want anything to do with this at all.  My husband and I have what we both would rate as an excellent sexual relationship.  He says it would be a new experience and that sex is sex and love with me and sex is totally different.  He says I should be adventurous.  He is somethimes acting coldly to me because I say no.  He says he thinks about it a couple times an hour.  He is distracted at work because of his desire for me to do this.  He was on me about it again today before he left for work saying I don't love him enough to do this for him.  He gets extremely hard whenever he mentions the threesome to me, otherwise he sometimes has a hard time getting a hard erection that will last.  He says I am beautiful and he wants to share me.  We have been married for 22 years and I love him dearly.  He asked me today if I am thinking he has a sexual addiction--if he is talking crazy.  I'm not sure how to answer him because I believe he does have a problem.  He will not go and talk to anyone with or without me.  I am dreading him coming home because it will start over again--the harrassment.  We have 2 sons 19 and 21 years old .  one is away at college and getting married in June. Our other son still lives at home and goes to a local college.  Is this like a midlife crisis?  He is 54 and I am 46.  I am five foot seven and weigh 125 pounds--he says too beautiful for just one man to enjoy.  Help--where is my husband and who is this guy with warped values?

Answer
Hi Sharon,
  Wow sounds like you are a mixed bag of emotions about now.  Big hugs to you.
First of all, the number one fantasy  among healthy adult males is a threesome.  Probably the majority of those fantasies would be a female, female, male ménage au trios, (what man wouldn’t want 2 woman to please him at the same time).  In your husband’s case, he would prefer the male, male female.  Your husband is a normal, healthy male telling you his fantasies.  It doesn’t sound like a midlife crisis.
  Before you sit down and talk to him, do a little soul searching on yourself.  Have you ever fantasized about another male?  Honestly?  A movie star, friend, co-worker.  I hope so.  We all have them.  Sit down by yourself at first, and watch a porn movie with a threesome.  How does it make you feel?  Turned on? Turned off?
    From that you will no how to continue.  Let your emotions guide you, not puritan laws.
  Whether or not you  choose to act on those emotions, obviously depends on your sexuality, comforts, morals, religion, and a whole bunch of other factors.
   It sounds like you have been happily married for a long time and have a good sex life.  Your husband is obviously comfortable enough with you to discuss his fantasies with you.  Have you discussed yours with him?
    From my own introduction into the lifestyle, our marriage was at a level where we had both explored and pleased each other for a long time.  We both had fantasies that we wanted to explore, together as a couple.  Communication and setting limits is a VERY big factor in this lifestyle.
  Sounds like at times he is feeling guilty with himself about wanting to do this, and at other times he withdraws from you because you won’t  explore it with him.
  You should feel elated that he loves you, respects you, and adores you so much that he wants to see you with another man.  Is that wrong? Not at all.  
   Once you have really looked at your own sexuality, you need to sit down with him.  Let  him no that it is normal for him to have fantasies, you appreciate his openness and love for you, and maybe start exploring some mild fantasies that you both  have.  Once you have both reached a comfort level, continue to explore with each other into other  areas of sexuality.
  Hope this helps, good luck!

Chim