Expert: Chim Hedo - 11/7/2008

Question
About 2 years ago my hubby and I decided to try swinging and we met a 'nice' couple who seemed to fit the bill (also setting up ground rules).  We swung for about 8 months with no problems.  Then hubby seemed to get distressed and jealous about how I was responding to the male in the other couple, so at that point I called it quits and we both agreed friends only.  So we continued to see this couple on a platonic basis only for another 12 months at our home.

Now two weeks ago (one week since I found out) after this couple coming to visit I find hubby's jocks in the games room of our house and question him.  He denied they were there - but 4 days later he confessed to sleeping with the guy because he was 'curious'.  I immediately contacted the couple and said I don't want anything more to do with them, and told hubby the same.

I am just so hurt although not jealous.  I feel like a piece of old s#!t (you know don't stink anymore so nobody notices you).  Hubby apologised and said he loved me but how do I trust him again?  We have two kids together and I am broken hearted, I have slept with him twice since the incident (once after I found out) but all I can see is the two of them in my head (and it repulses me).

I want to hold my marriage and life together but it feels like it is falling to pieces and shattering my heart with it.

Jessie.


Answer
Hi Jessie,
 The fact that you and your husband were in the lifestyle for a brief period, set ground rules, then left the lifestyle but remained platonic with your friends for a year, shows that the relationship between you and your husband is very trusting and you communicate to each other well.  
  It is unfortunate that he didn't include you, or discuss his curiosity with you prior to his experience with another man.
  A LOT of men have a bisexual curiosity.  Many will never, ever talk about it let alone fulfill it, for exactly the reasons that we are discussing here and now.  They are too embarrassed, don't want to hurt anyone, and the shame and guilt that society has created with man to man sexual contact.
  It's very understandable that you would be hurt over this situation.  I don't think it is the end of your marriage, we're not talking Broke Back Mountain here.  
  You need to sit down together, and do some talking.  Have you asked him what peaked his curiosity with the other man?  Did the experience fulfill his curiosity?  Does he plan on continuing to see him? Ask in a non-judgemental tone, or your not going to get honest answers.  Obviously it isn't easy for him to talk about this.  You will have to communicate to him, that although you don't approve, you understand.
  Trust in a relationship takes a long time to build, but can be lost so quickly.  After digging deeper into his sexual mind, and understanding his reasons for his secrecy, maybe you can restore some of that trust.
 Don't feel shitty about yourself, and don't shut out the other couple.  It's not your fault, or theirs.  You still love this man, he is the father of your children, and prior to this it sounds like you had a great relationship.  Don't let any of this change, he is still the same man, he has just fulfilled a sexual need he had, without, and understandably, your consent or knowledge.
 Good luck,
Chim