Expert: Chim Hedo - 11/17/2008

Question
well here goes.. I have been with my current girlfriend (not wife) for like 5 months.  We fell quick for each other and a lot of things were said like I want to marry you, have kids, be together forever..  it did happen fast but I believe our feelings to be true. Well her best friend and her husband are sort of swinger but its that her husband likes her to be with other men and he doesn't want to be with other woman it is a very big turn on to him knowing his wife is being pleased by another man.  Well she told me this one day and it turns out that me and her best friends husband have the same thing in common, but I didn't let her know that I was like this(I know I probably should have) anyways getting to the point and question here. We both work for the same company and she had to go into the city for class for 3 days. She wanted me to come visit her one the 1st day but it was a long day and was to tired to go down.  The 2nd day when I got off work I text her and asked if she wanted me to come down and she said I shouldn't she had a lot of work to do.  So later on she text me and said she was going out to the bar to eat and have a drink.  me being horny asked if she had found other guys to talk to.  Well w/o knowing how I felt, she took the question wrong and she told me she said out loud "if he wants to be with a slut I'll show him a slut". She ended up getting lost on her way down and stopped at a store for directions and ended up thinking the guy that helped her was hot, he gave her his number in case she got lost again. well after I made that comment she called him up and asked him to come to the bar. Well they got to talking and he kissed her, she said she pulled away and said she had a boyfriend.  Well the next day they went out and ate. And on the last day they went and saw a movie about 10 minutes into the movie they were making out and shortly after she went down on him for most of the movie ad ended up getting off in her mouth (mind you I know none of this) well after they go out and eat again.  On her way home she was acting strange to me I didn't know why, oh yah I thought she was at the movies with some friends from class.  Two weeks later she tells me about it because she felt horrible.  I forgave her rather quickly because that's what I wanted to happen and it turned me on so much knowing what she did, I was a little upset it took her that long to tell me.  But like I said I forgave her because it would be wrong of me to be mad at her for doing what I wanted her to do even tho she didn't know I wanted her to.  Well we had long talks and it finally came out that I do not want to be with other woman. But I would love the fact of her being with other men and them pleasing her physically.  Well she seemed to like it at 1st or was in shock, or thought she might like it.  So she went back down to see him one day without telling me mind you and they fucked 2 times.  I guess she started to get feelings for this guy but she still loved me or so she said and I believed her.  she told me the next day.  I was sort of upset she didn't tell me before she did it to keep honesty in our relationship.  But I was turned on and she told me what they did and she said she loved it.  Well she finally broke down one day and asked how could I want her to be with other men. I told her if it was just sex I didn't mind and I thought she was ok with it.  She tells me that sex means a lot to her and its not just sex.  she tells me she has feeling for this guy but they are not as strong as her love for me.  But still doesn't know how I could want her to be with other me.  I know I probably told her to soon about all this and should have waited but now its out in the open and can't go back now.  oh yeah the 2 weeks after class she has met up with him and they held hands and walked in parks and crap like that.  I told her I do like the fact that she is with other men physically not emotionally.  She keeps things from me but does eventually tell me about them just not before they happen or right after seems like at least a day after I do not like this.  Or she will lie and then tell me the truth.  she hardly talks to this guy now they had sex a total of 3 times she said (I guess I have to take her word on it) Knowing all of this here is my question.. How can I explain in a way that she will understand that I truly do love her but at the same time love knowing that she is pleasured and pleasures other men.  She does want to understand but doesn't at this point and I don't know how to let her know.  and now there are trust issues and her thinking I don't really love her if I want her to be with other guys (which is no where near the truth).  all i ask is after she does do this is she tells me what happened in detail(love hearing what happened and if she liked it)  this is tearing up our relationship and I have to make her think that I don't like it anymore just to make her happy and I wouldn't like losing her to another man! but at the same time I still think about what she has told me about her and what she did with this guy and it really turns me on a lot.  How can i get her to accept me for who i am?  I think if she can truly accept me for who I am our love will grow.  I know I accept her for who she is and if she doesn't want to do this anymore I respect that, just want her accept me and know that I do love her.  Sorry so long but there was a lot to say so you knew most of my situation.  PLEASE HELP!

Answer
Hi Melvin!!
    Wow, you have a lot to say, but you say it so well.
    To begin with, you have only been together 5 months, I don't think that is enough time to get to sexually no your partner yet.  And I do mean get to no, inside, outside, upside down, and backwards.  You guys have so much experimenting to do with each other yet, before you get other people involved.  
    Of course it turns you on to "create an imagery" of your gf and another man....you are human, and obviously one with a lot of self esteem.  There is nothing wrong with you wanting to hear about her sexual play with other people, we all grew up reading it in Penthouse and Playboy.  Knowing she is doing this, then telling you about it gives you a feeling of "pimping" and I don't mean that in a bad way at all.  It's a control feeling.  That goes back to our caveman days, don't be ashamed of it.  
    What concerns me in this relationship is that she has admitted to feelings with other partners.  Only those in a committed relationship can realize the difference between "sex" and "love".  Can she?  Her comment about you thinking she was a slut, she will be, she became involved with someone else for the wrong reasons, albeit she enjoyed it, but look what took her to that situation.
    My advice to you, is stick with her if you love her, and it sounds like you do, but put an end to any other people becoming involved in your sexlife until you two have lived a sex life of your own.  Role playing and discussing your fantasies with each other will take you both to comfort levels until you are established in your relationship.  For the time being, there is too many questions unanswered or truths being hidden to take the jump.
Chim