Expert: Chim Hedo - 12/30/2008

Question
I asked another expert a question similar to this, and this individual simply bashed me. You seem to be far more sensitive in your answers, so I'd like to get your opinion. I searched all over online for a similar story, but found nothing. The setup is kind of long, but bear with me:

I've always had a high sex drive, but ended up with a prude of a woman. Thus, sex was infrequent and terrible when it did happen. Talking, bargaining, wheedling, even role-play didn't change things. Finally at the beginning of 2008, I got fed up and started looking around for a part-time lover. I posted on a few online dating and sex sites not knowing what to expect. By freak chance I encountered online the wife of a longtime friend who had gotten into the lifestyle a couple years prior. She offered to help me out with my problem and agreed to meet at a local hotel. A couple of days beforehand, she cancelled, instead inviting me to a swingers party in another town. She had described these events to me and although it wasn't the way I had planned to be introduced to the lifestyle, I thought it would be a good alternative.

To make a long story short, I was dropped into the middle of an all-out gangbang in a tiny motel room. Every guy's fantasy, right? Except not only could I not get it up (for the first time in my entire life), apparently I suffered a bit of a mental shock as well. I felt terrible for not being able to handle the sensory overload, and my "friend" only made matters worse later by pushing me away whenever I tried to talk about it (she was the only one I could turn to, not really having known anyone else in the group).

I feel like a failure as a swinger and as a man, even though since then I attended one other party (with sadly, the same result) and found a girlfriend on the side who satifies me emotionally and physically. Still, memories of those parties and my failure to perform haunt me. My girlfriend will be unavailable aftern next spring, so in order to avoid going back to a sexless existence, I'll probably have to go back on the prowl.

My question: Is this common among guys in their first lifestyle experience? Or am I just that abnormal?

Answer
Dear M.
   It is VERY common in the lifestyle for guys not to be able to get an erection!!!!  Especially newbies...... heck I think the first 6 men I was ever with couldn't get it up.  You may be feeling low, but imagine how the female feels, she thinks it's all her fault.  You will eventually get over it.  Relax, have fun. Don't put so much pressure on yourself to perform.  Sexual play is just as big in the lifestyle as intercourse, once you are comfortable with the situation and those around you, it will happen.  Good luck!
Chim