Expert: Chim Hedo - 12/8/2008

Question
We have been seeing a couple for about a month.  I (he) am not getting into the girl and she said she was not that into the guy for various reason.  My wife is a very touchy person by nature also and guys get the wrong vibes or so she says.  It has been very apparent that he was very much into her and we have talked about it.  We decided we would pursue them in friendship but not to swing and she was to be careful not to give signs that he may miss read.  The next night we had them over for poker.  After the poker game we were sitting around the table chatting.  Meanwhile under the table a game of footsie between the two of them broke out.  He started but she reciprocated and even at times reinitiated the contact.  When she saw that I discovered the game then then tried to she me attention with her legs etc.  When I asked about the game she first acted like she didn't know what I was talking about but later acknowledged the game.  When asked why she did it when we decided we/she wasn't going to lead them on and it probably did she said.  I don't know.  Should I be concerned or upset that she didn't hold to the rule and I think I am even more bothered she can't say why she did it.  A better answer would be I really do think he is hot and want him.  Thanks for any dose of reality anyone can offer.

Answer
Hi Dave,
    Have you told the other couple you are not interested in a sexual relationship with them?  Has your wife changed her mind about being into the guy?  
    I don't think you need to be upset.  The one nice thing about being with other like minded couples is that you can flirt, and never have to actually take the flirting any further.  You don't mention how long you have been in the lifestyle.  Or how far you have taken it.  
    I'm reading that you had established a rule that there would be no flirting, and you feel there was.  If this couple is also in the lifestyle, and you have been seeing them for a month, you need to be honest with them, and let them no that you don't plan on taking their friendship any further.  Just inviting them over to play poker, could be sending them a mixed message.
    For a lot of people in the lifestyle, part of the lifestyle is being able to flirt, and having someone flirt back, without any consequences except making each other feel good.  You can't do that outside of the lifestyle.
Hope this helps,
Chim