AboutAnalisa Expertise Questions related to Swinging i.e. Why did you choose to become a swinger, He/She wants
to but I have doubts, How to begin/get started, What is the purpose of swinging, Why
would you become a swinger, Should we/shouldn't we, Rules (Are/Aren't they needed,
What should they be, What should be non-negotiable, What can be compromised, What to
do if rules are ignored or broken), House vs. private parties, Resources to locate other
swingers, What does it mean to take one for the team
Questions we can't answer: Any alternative sexual questions other than swinging, i.e.
Bestiality, Gang Banging, anything to do with minors, B/D or S&M, toilet games, etc. We also don't feel proficient in answering in depth relationship questions, we are not marriage/relationship counselors, if we receive a question that falls into that category we will refer you to seek professional help.
Experience Over 10 years in the Lifestyle, numerous events & encounters (some pleasant & enjoyable and others that were less than)
Organizations NASCA, Good Vibrations, C4P
Education/Credentials Both of us are college educated professionals.
Question My wife and I are contemplating stepping into the lifestyle. My wife came of age in the 70's and when single thought of sex as a recreational activity. I came of age in the 80's when AIDS became a real threat and have had considerably less experience with casual sex. She is a open to the idea of sharing me with other women because as she points out we are very happily married (15 years now, all in "hi fidelity"), very much in love and nothing could ever change that. Amen.
While I have no doubt that she is absolutely correct, I would still like to have rules about what is and is not within bounds in a swinging encounter (she agrees). We have been active in some local and national swinging web sites and I recently caught a thread about "soft swing and rules". The originator and most responders seem to think that unless you are full swap you are not really a "swinger" (same room is only borderline swinging)and that any rules other than "no means no" is getting too complicated.
I have two questions:
- Am I off base in thinking that these (more experienced) swingers are being snobbish in their attitude to couples that prefer soft swap?
- The rules that I would like to have for us once we find the right couple are 1. Same room 2.kissing (mouth and body)is ok 3. fondling is ok 4. Oral is ok once we are sure everyone is D&DF (and we know the other couple better i.e. maybe our 2nd play date) and finally 5. Penetration with your own spouse only. Am I being too restrictive?
I am concerned about being safe. I guess I also want to be sure I will have no issues seeing my soulmate be intimate with another man. I don't think I will if all four of us are friends FIRST, but since we haven't actually taken the plunge yet, taking baby steps seems prudent. My best sexual encounters when single were the ones that were an expression of affection rather than just a roll in the sheets just for the fun of it. I don't see swinging as being any different.
Answer Mark,
In answer to your first question, yes. Anyone who chooses to judge others is automatically putting themselves in the position of a SNOB. Who are they to say what is or isn't? Besides your reference to Thread makes me think it was a forum posting or a chat & then it is reduced to simple opinion and I don't know if you have heard "Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one & most of them stink."
Two things:
1. In answer to what would work as rules for you . . . I would suggest you and your wife sit down & discuss this clearly, frankly and above all honestly.
2. Be very careful about needing affection or looking for expressions of affection to have sexual encounters in the lifestyle. This is where folks get into trouble. Affection, true affection is reserved for your spouse. Sex for the sake of pleasure & enjoyment is just that sex for fun.
I can tell you how my husband & I started this out. At first we had a LOT of "rules", every new couple does. The rules are what keep you safe and don't leave you feeling like you were thrown into the deep end of the pool & told to swim. As time progressed some of the rules fell away and some were modified & some replaced. We now only really have two, the first is an absolute and non-negotiable. It has caused a few "hook-ups" to not happen but, we feel very strongly about it.
1. Safe sex ALWAYS (while this is all fun & games, it's not worth losing our lives over). This means we bring condoms, enough for us and the other couple too. We absolutely insist on it.
2. Same room. Now there are a few exceptions to this rule but, they are extremely rare. We are in the LifeStyle to enhance our relationship not to build a new one with someone else. We have developed several friendships while in the LifeStyle but that also is not the point. We want to see each other having fun & enjoying ourselves, it also gives us a bit of security to have each other nearby (just in case something got out of hand or whatever). The few RARE exceptions to this are certain close friends or couples we've known for years.
Hope this helps, let me know if you have any further questions.
