AboutAnalisa Expertise Questions related to Swinging i.e. Why did you choose to become a swinger, He/She wants
to but I have doubts, How to begin/get started, What is the purpose of swinging, Why
would you become a swinger, Should we/shouldn't we, Rules (Are/Aren't they needed,
What should they be, What should be non-negotiable, What can be compromised, What to
do if rules are ignored or broken), House vs. private parties, Resources to locate other
swingers, What does it mean to take one for the team
Questions we can't answer: Any alternative sexual questions other than swinging, i.e.
Bestiality, Gang Banging, anything to do with minors, B/D or S&M, toilet games, etc. We also don't feel proficient in answering in depth relationship questions, we are not marriage/relationship counselors, if we receive a question that falls into that category we will refer you to seek professional help.
Experience Over 10 years in the Lifestyle, numerous events & encounters (some pleasant & enjoyable and others that were less than)
Organizations NASCA, Good Vibrations, C4P
Education/Credentials Both of us are college educated professionals.
Expert: Analisa Date: 6/11/2008 Subject: no subject
Question QUESTION: Hi, my boyfriend and I have been swinging for the past three years now and we have been together for 5 yrs. I was wondering is it true that people only swing (if they are a cpl)because they are not happy in there relationship and something is missing from there relationship. Sometimes after we swing with another cpl I have doubts to want to do it again cause I am afraid that he will have sex with someone and it will be so good that he would want to be with that person. I am a voluptuous woman he says that he loves the way that I look (he loves my curves), but I don't have a very big butt (what the men call onion booty)and we have done it with smaller women in the past (threesomes), but I have picked them all out I try to find women that are like me and similar to what I look like if they are smaller I only deal with them on that if we click thing (personality wise) I tell him that if they don't have at least a little bit of something (fat)that you can pinch then we aren't going to do anything with them. Do you think that we should continue to swing if I feel this way? We are also being invited to a party this weekend and I'm having second thoughts about going, because I am afraid of what type of women will be there and that he is going to go off and I won't be able to see him while the festivities are going on . I wanna have a DP, and if he so happens to see that I think that he isn't going to be to happy about that even though he talks about it sometimes, but I did tell him that a man performed anal on me (with a cpl that we played with) and he told me that that was our thing and that he didn't like that, but I'm thinking if it was our thing, then why can't you do it when I ask (he is a bit paranoid when it comes to that). I'm thinking should we be swinging at all if we have all these issues, I like being with other women as I enjoy watching him be with other women as he enjoys watching me perform with other men. What should we (I) DO?
ANSWER: Dear Taste,
Couples who are not happy in their relationships, should NOT be in the LifeStyle at all. This simply creates unnecessary drama. I will tell you what I tell everyone who has any doubts, STOP! and talk to your partner. This needs to be an open, honest discussion where you tell him how you really feel, without blaming him. Then you listen, without interrupting, to what he has to say.
Before you start talking to him, you need to do a bit of soul searching with yourself. Why do you doubt that he loves you just the way you are? Why are you critical of yourself & thereby being critical of him (because he chose you)? Do you find these women attractive or are you just trying to keep the women close to your body type out of insecurity?
Tell him how you feel about the LifeStyle and that you are thinking about quitting and be ready to really listen when he tells you how he feels.
I would honor the things he feels are just between the two of you. Also suggest he use a condom when he does anal, this may ease his fears.
Men are not that complex, if he didn't find you attractive he wouldn't be with you.
If you have any further questions, please let me know.
Hope this helps,
Analisa
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: I doubt that he loves me the way that I am because, I am not like the other women that he is (I believe)infatuated with in the sex tapes he has his favorite women that he looks at some of the women can deep throat (have no gag reflex)and have really big butts and that's something that I can't do or something that I don't have. I practice (well not practice), but I can get it down there without feeling like I'm gonna be sick, but it just disturbs me a great deal that he looks at it more than I prefer to look at it. I look at porn as well, sometimes to masturbate when he doesn't feel like having sex with me. I feel rejected when he doesn't want to have sex with me and sometimes I feel like I initiate all the time too, I like it when he pursues me cause I feel wanted and sexy. Most of the women that I pick I am attracted to them and he is attracted to them as well and I do think that I am keeping them close by because of my insecurity with my weight. I have lost weight, but I gained some of it back when I get stressed out and board I tend to eat allot and food is my comfort and sometimes I do think that my body sometimes disgusted with my body and sometimes would rather look at porn or think about something else then to have sex with me. We have talked about not doing it anymore but sometimes he brings the issue back up after we haven't done anything for a while, I'm not saying that neither one of us are addicted to swinging we both enjoy it I do think that it's something (a phase that we are going through) he's about to turn 31 and I'm 32, have I really reached my sexual peak? I haven't really started havening sex, sex till I was about 21 yrs old, I wasn't a virgin I lost that when I was 15 and just haven't had sex since then (till I was 21). I just wanna know what to do to get these insecurities out of my head I just feel like sometimes he doesn't want me and I know if he wasn't attracted to me he wouldn't want me, I'm just really stuck. What does using a condom when doing anal going to do? And yes this does help a little he has told me some of the things that you have said to me. And I asked is this saying true, only people that swing are missing something in there relationship, and just want to find a way to be with someone else, but at the same time stay in the relationship that there in and that they are not happy in there relationship? From what I am asking you and telling you about, does it sound like that we are not happy and shouldn't be together?
Answer Dear Taste,
I think rather than second guessing your boyfriend maybe you should work on loving you. I know that sounds easy but I get from your emails that there seems to be a disconnect between how he feels and you trusting that someone can feel that way about you. It is hard to accept that someone loves you when you don't love yourself.
Women don't hit their sexual peak until 40 - 50 y/o, men hit theirs around 20.
A condom during anal would help prevent him from getting infections from any fecal matter.
As far as your question:
"And I asked is this saying true, only people that swing are missing something in there relationship, and just want to find a way to be with someone else, but at the same time stay in the relationship that there in and that they are not happy in there relationship?"
Again, I will say if you are simply swinging to find someone else to be with then you are in it for the wrong reasons. Swinging is for people who find sex to be a recreational activity not for people who feel something is "missing" in their current relationship.
I can not judge whether or not you & your boyfriend should be together. The only thing I can say is it sounds like you two should not be swinging at this time.
