Expert: Analisa - 6/9/2008

Question
Hi, my boyfriend and I have been swinging for the past three years now and we have been together for 5 yrs.  I was wondering is it true that people only swing (if they are a cpl)because they are not happy in there relationship and something is missing from there relationship.  Sometimes after we swing with another cpl I have doubts to want to do it again cause I am afraid that he will have sex with someone and it will be so good that he would want to be with that person.  I am a voluptuous woman he says that he loves the way that I look (he loves my curves), but I don't have a very big butt (what the men call onion booty)and we have done it with smaller women in the past (threesomes), but I have picked them all out I try to find women that are like me and similar to what I look like if they are smaller I only deal with them on that if we click thing (personality  wise) I tell him that if they don't have at least a little bit of something (fat)that you can pinch then we aren't going to do anything with them.  Do you think that we should continue to swing if I feel this way?  We are also being invited to a party this weekend and I'm having second thoughts about going, because I am afraid of what type of women will be there and that he is going to go off and I won't be able to see him while the festivities are going on .  I wanna have a DP, and if he so happens to see that I think that he isn't going to be to happy about that even though he talks about it sometimes, but I did tell him that a man performed anal on me (with a cpl that we played with) and he told me that that was our thing and that he didn't like that, but I'm thinking if it was our thing, then why can't you do it when I ask (he is a bit paranoid when it comes to that).  I'm thinking should we be swinging at all if we have all these issues, I like being with other women as I enjoy watching him be with other women as he enjoys watching me perform with other men.  What should we (I) DO?

Answer
Dear Taste,

Couples who are not happy in their relationships, should NOT be in the LifeStyle at all. This simply creates unnecessary drama. I will tell you what I tell everyone who has any doubts, STOP! and talk to your partner. This needs to be an open, honest discussion where you tell him how you really feel, without blaming him. Then you listen, without interrupting, to what he has to say.

Before you start talking to him, you need to do a bit of soul searching with yourself. Why do you doubt that he loves you just the way you are? Why are you critical of yourself & thereby being critical of him (because he chose you)? Do you find these women attractive or are you just trying to keep the women close to your body type out of insecurity?

Tell him how you feel about the LifeStyle and that you are thinking about quitting and be ready to really listen when he tells you how he feels.

I would honor the things he feels are just between the two of you. Also suggest he use a condom when he does anal, this may ease his fears.

Men are not that complex, if he didn't find you attractive he wouldn't be with you.

If you have any further questions, please let me know.

Hope this helps,
Analisa